Bittersweet Symphony

A murderer in my midst...

2005-05-21T02:26:00.000-05:00

I remember the night so vividly. January 5th, 2003 was a cold and crisp night and I was watching forensic files with the window cracked open to let the smoke from my cigarette seep out into the night air.

I was growing sleepier by the the second when I heard the scream of sirens in the distance echoing in through the window. I felt a chill overcome me and and for a split second fear filled my body. I stubbed out my cigarette and hurriedly closed the window. I was blanketed by a disturbing feeling of danger so overwhelming I cursed Dennis for working nights and leaving me home alone.

My fear started to subside as I heard the sirens fading out further into the distance and I swore to myself I wouldn't watch anymore crime shows after midnight when I was home alone. By the time I turned off all the lights and crawled into my bed I felt a bit foolish for letting myself get so riled by all the nonsense. Probably just some kids out doing doughnuts in the snow and got caught, I thought as I drifted off to a fitful sleep.

The next morning I awoke to the sound of the phone ringing incessantly. As I begrudgingly climbed out of bed I thought to myself, who in the hell would be calling here knowing I damn sure sleep in ever chance I get? I don't remember much of the initial conversation. But my mind sprung to life when I heard the name Keith Wood and raped and murdered his cousin. Keith Wood, murder, rape, that has to be gossip, I know him. It couldn't be true.

You see I live in a relatively small town in Michigan. The population barely exceeds 2,000 people. It's one of those classic small towns where everyone knows everyone and news flies like mosquito's on a hot summer evening. Growing up I hated it here. I dreamed of graduating high school and going to some big fancy college as far away as I could get. I dreamed of big cities, fancy jobs, and designer clothes. The reality was I went away to school and came home after half a year because I hated being away from my family and friends. The old adage you can take the girl out of the country but you can't take the country out of the girl didn't apply to me. I needed the country, the small tight knit group and family only a 5 minute drive away. I came home from college, found the man I dreamed about and built a home right next door to the place I grew up. 75 feet away is my mom and dad's house and both of my sisters within a mile.

Growing up I never thought much about how the people we grow up with may not really be the people we think they are. I was and am still naive and take people at face value. I just assumed growing up in this cardboard box of a town would make it impossible for someone to hide their true self. I was wrong. Dead wrong as it turns out.

Keith David Wood.
Age 34.

I remember him very well. We went to school together. He was in my class. His parents owned a auto business in town. He had a younger brother.

And he had just raped and murdered his 15 year old cousin 4 miles from my house.

Those sirens, the fear. It was real. There was something to be scared of. And it wasn't a television show, it was in my back yard almost. And the suspect, culprit, and creator was someone I once called a friend.

To be continued....

And the funk goes on...

2005-05-20T00:32:00.000-05:00

Have you ever just had a time in your life where there is no bright spot? Nothing to feel excited about?

I still can not pull myself out of this huge black cloud floating over me. Of course I haven't told anyone about it. Just the whole internet but not anyone that could actually smack me around and make it hurt to pull me out of it.

I know my two nieces read this blog- Tiff and Jess- No phone calls, emails, or posts about it. K! This is my own crap and I can deal. And no it's not about going camping. That's just another whole disaster anway. And you two keep your lips sealed, no need spreading family gossip, K! E`nuf said.

And even though Katy has tried to get that annoying song "Don't Worry, Be Happy" stuck in my head... It ain't working girlfriend! LOL! But nice try ;)

Plus I mindlessly surf and play hearts every night and piss away time I could be doing something productive or creative. Maybe I need to step away and just get my hands back inot scrapbooking, painting, or working on some altered journals. I don't know.

And I have been posting more at Katy's blog than my own. I leave long and rambling comments and I don't post diddly here.

Plus all this stress is resting right under my shoulder blades and making me miserable. I walk like I got a hump or something...LOL!

And the rain and crap is hanging around here like my own personal hell isn't enough already...Puhhhlease! Go away!

Ok, I am stopping this self-involved post and focusing on something else. My life is so boring. I don't have that much to tell. But I do have interesting stories and experiences to share.

So before I head off to clean I will leave you with a teaser for my next post...

I know a serial killer. I went to school with him. I will you tell you more next time.

Funky Town

2005-05-17T11:20:00.000-05:00

I haven't been posting because I had been in a funk for a few days. I can't seem to get the hell out of it. Such is life, I guess. Time will change it, I hope.

I popped over toGenuine's Bash on Saturday night. I, of course, arrived late per my usual real life habit for arriving late to everything. It was fun. I met Michelle, Genuine's wife. She is super nice and very funny. I also met Lu from Three Kid Circus and some other crazy fun bloggers. They were all really nice and I would recommend the Bash to anyone. Of course I arrived too late for whatever the X-rated part of the party was. Go figure - Just my luck. I made my own button for the party:

All my sewing is done for the camper. We need to finish resurfacing the countertops on the pull-out kitchen area, touch up a little paint where Dennis had to install new rear driving lights, have the police department come out and inspect it because the vin number is rusted off (told you guys it was old), get a title made by the SoS and purchase a plate from them too. Our new Governer changed the law and instead of purchasing new tags and a general plate you must purchase a permanent plate for 75.00.

My sisters and thier hub's, DJ, Melissa, and I'm not sure who else are all leaving tonight for Beaverton for 5 days to camp. I hate them! No, I really don't hate them but they DO suck big time. lol! They are going to Calhoun Campground. We could have went if Dennis had NOT agreed to work his weekend off. I was/am so pissed. But whatever. He is an ass and talking about it isn't making me feel any better so next subject please.

I am doing a search for must-haves for camping. It's been a long time since I have camped for more than 1 or 2 nights. We used to use a really nice tent but no more sleeping on the ground for me- yeehaw! If anyone has any suggestions- PLEASE let me know.

So I guess I will continue to work on crap for ebay. I always right up auctions in html and load them myself instead of use ebay's system. And I now remember why I hate selling on ebay. It can be a pain if you don't use some expensive program that does all the crap for you. I went through my 8.5" x 11" paper yesterday and pulled out a ton to get rid of. Now to tackle the 12" x 12". I really don't want to but the money would be nice...

My mood sucks...

Domesticity...

2005-05-14T01:27:00.000-05:00

Sometimes shit begets shit...

And today was just one of those special days. The rain continued all day and my mood got worse. Normally I love the rain. Soothing rat-a-tat-tats pelting against the roof always put me in a serene mood but not today.

I couldn't focus my attention on anything for more than a few minutes. Somehow I managed to make dinner, do another load of laundry, vacuum, mop the kitchen, pick up the house and finish sewing the panels for the sleeper areas in the camper, including tie backs.

My list of things to do for tomorrow:
1. Put up all the curtains and valances in the camper.
2. Put new laminate on the countertops in the camper.
3. Head to Home Depot for caulk, trim, wallboard, and velcro, and etc.
4. Walmart for foam mattress.
5. Meijers for navy blue sheets to make mattress covers (More sewing UGH!)
6. Putty all the screw holes in the ceiling of the camper.
7. Put no-skid shelf liners in all the cabinetry.
6. Make the beds.
7. Cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
8. Clean grill for cooking dinner. (NY Strips rain or shine!)
9. Do another load of laundry (wash, dry, and fold!)
10. Vacuum.

That's a good start... Off to finish the cushions. Then bed.
The joys of the life of a domestic goddess...

F-Bomb Alert! Stop reading if you hate cussing!

2005-05-13T14:08:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I am having a borderline bitch day.

I woke up on the wrong side of the attitude and then it gets topped off by a roaring thunderous storm blowing through our area. Fucking nice! It was just starting to dry up and shit and now torrential rain...AGAIN!

But the kicker to that shit is the fucking storm from hell blew a pole to the awning of our camper down and broke the piece that attaches to the canvas- FUCKER!

Now I realize we only paid a measly $50 bucks for this camper but come on already! We ripped off the front and rebuilt it because the would was warped where they hadn't taken care of it. Dennis redid it all and it looks spanky new! But when we found that out and started fixing it Dennis snapped a support to hold the beams for the roof...What the fuck! So we had to have those made. Thank gawd someone at his work whipped them up at no cost. But in the process of ripping out the front we now have to replace the wall board inside because it's now just plywood. Can someone say fugly!

But the broken awning pole just pisses me off to no end. Can we not get a fucking break already?!?!?!

And now it's looking all sunny and shit outside...screw mother nature and the storm she rides on!

McKenzies 1st birthday party is this weekend and were not going. We just want to work on the camper and finish the bastard. Besides I am not into it at all. Driving all the way to B.F.L (that's bum fuck Linwood for all you proper people out there). And I am sure there will be plenty of drinking to be done by my dear old hubby and I have no fucking desire to drive the hour+ out there and chase Cam around for hours on end because my husband is Mr. Fucking Socialite once he has a few rum & cokes under his belt, to turn around and drive an hour+ with a cranky, overtired 18 month old. NOT HAPPENING!

It's probably going to piss some people off royally but...Oh well!

On a brighter note but still pertains to the piss me right the fuck off camper, I got the curtains sewn and now I am going to start finishing the closures on the cushions. Connie did a kick ass job making them but instead of gluing them closed or using velcro I am going to just sew them. My machine magically fixed itself, don't care why, don't care how... But I am damn glad it's working.

I pissed off my eBay crap to make the curtains but I did manage to clean the entire house, scrub our garden tub, mop our bathroom on my hands and knees like a good little housewife, make pepper crusted roast beef with mushroom and onion gravy, steamed potatoes, peas and carrots with oreo pudding for dessert. I also threw in washing, drying, and folding three loads of laundry, picking up a million matchbox cars my lovely little boy thinks make perfect decor for our entire house and made beds. Just call me Mrs. Domestic fucking Bliss...

Hey on a level mannered note I have a new hero to add to my list - Jay over at The Zero Boss has become my professor ala blog wisdom and has put up with my bullshit emails asking 10 bazillion questions. Thanks Jay for putting up with my ass... It's much appreciated!

Off to shower this bitchiness off before my matchbox king awakes from his nap.
Lata Taters!

2005-05-12T01:09:00.000-05:00

I really want to learn how to design blog skins. I am fanatical about learning how to do things when I don't know how. I am obsessive about it. I love the look of blog skins, especially really superbly designed skins. By far my favorites are designed by Web Diva's . Rachel and Cherry are so talented at what they do. I am in love with their skins and site designs.

I have taken a few classes in html and have designed graphics with PSP for 7 to 8 years. It's fun and I love doing creative stuff! I guess someone is going to have to teach me eh! Anyone interested? I am a quick learner! *giggling*

If it's nice tomorrow I am going to take some pictures and show you guys my little place in the world. Everything is turning green and looking alive. Minus the places my fat beagle decides to dig a spot and keep cool laying in the sun... Dork dog!

Speaking of nice weather...If it's nice I need to scrub the awning of our camper and get it ready for our first camping trip. Dennis took the week after Memorial Day off so we can get away! I am damn excited!

I went through a shitload of my scrapbook supplies today to post at eBay. I currently own 5,000 sheets of 12 x 12 paper and over 2,000 stickers and I won't even mention the other crap. That's ridiculous...LOL! I hope to have it all set to start on auction Saturday. Cross your fingers! And if you know anyone interested in purchasing mucho scrapbook supplies send them my way, k!

I got some blog fun stuff in the works too. Check back soon. I'll post something tomorrow when Cam takes his afternoon snooze!

Till then...lata!

2005-05-12T00:05:00.000-05:00

Ok, so it ate the rest of my post and I had to retype it which pisses me off and makes me envious of all you bitches out there that have your own .com's! LOL!

When I first saw DJ get off the escalator I was totally taken by his desert fatigues. They looked like sand from a distance but when he got close they were actually camouflage. Now I realize just how amazing some of the simplest things to save our soldiers can be.

All DJ wanted to eat was McDonald's so we stopped and bought a huge amount of Mickey D's and headed to DJ's so he could shower and relax. He had left Baghdad on Wednesday and went to Tikrit, Kuwait, Germany and Atlanta before flying into Lansing. Two+ days of flying, lay overs and airports. He was pretty much deliriously tired. But you could see a mask of relief on his face.

We didn't stay too long before we all headed home and left DJ and Melissa alone.

I can sleep a bit better at least for two weeks.

Updates Smupdates...

2005-05-11T12:18:00.000-05:00

It's been forever since I could get up the gumption to post... *sighs*

Even though I log on everyday I spend more time reading everyone else's blogs than updating my own. Maybe I should be classified as a drive-by blogger... *lol*

So let's get on with the updates shall we- (cue the elevator music...)

Dental Torture: So I went to the Dr. Of Dental Horristry and what I assumed was my cleaning appointment was actually the appointment for my recuperative filling to try and heal the nerve of my tooth so it could be saved. I tried to talk Dr. Horror out of it but he is one of those kind of people that can talk right around you and make you do something you have zippo intention on doing... It wasn't too bad but I still hated it.

Monday I went in for my oral surgery. Now that sucked arse-cicles! I haven't went into much detail with the old family because they already think I am big Ol' sissy ass but it hurt like hell. The side of my gum is missing some skin where it didn't detach from the tooth when it was pulled free. But I didn't need stitches, thank goodness. Plus he used my just filled tooth (see above paragraph) as a leverage object to get this wisdom tooth. So now that tooth hurts. And my jaw hurts. But it's over. And I am thankful for that much.

DJ Update: DJ arrived home in Lansing Saturday at 4:17 p.m. I had my digital camera all primed to take pictures but the minute I saw his smiling face I started to cry and couldn't take a damn picture to save my life. My niece did and when she gets them developed I will scan some. I think he is coming on Friday for the weekend and I would like to take a small photo shoot with him and my kids. Cameron adores him and talks about him all the time.

Dj left Iraq on Wednesday and spent that entire time flying to make it home. He brought back some old Iraqi money that has Sadams face on it (It's not in use in Iraq anymore!) and some of their coin money. It's actually pretty and in all different shapes like flowers, hexagon and etc. He also brought back some Coca-Cola. It says Coke on the bottle but the has Coke wrote in Arabic under it. It's cool looking.

Never forget...

2005-05-04T01:02:00.000-05:00

Sitting here eating veggies and dip and thinking about my dentist appointment tomorrow and what hell I might endure...

I'm trying to not to be too disappointmented about the lack of response to my plea for letters to Support the Troops (See post below). But I am having a hard time. Especially after I seen this picture on Yahoo when I signed on to the net tonight...

Picture released by the U.S. Army Tuesday, May 3, 2005 shows a U.S. Army soldier comforting a child fatally wounded in a car bomb blast in Mosul, 360 km (225 miles) northwest of Baghdad, Iraq, Monday, May 2, 2005. 15 Iraqis were wounded in the combined suicide bomb attack. (AP Photo/U.S. Army)

How do you ever forget carrying a dying child from a senseless act of violence of some crazed militants who would rather have a mass murderer in control of their life than live in a country run by the people?

Do you ever forget?

Can you even begin to imagine what these brave men and women go through every single day they are deployed in Iraq?

I can not...

I cried tonight.
For that innocent little child...
And for the soldier who carried that poor baby...

Maybe this picture "got" to me because it's of a child. I have kids. One about that size. I know what it is like to feel helpless when they are sick but I pray I will never ever have to be there to watch or hold them as they die. I don't know what that soldier felt. But I know it had to hurt and is an image he will probably carry will him for the rest of his life.

Do you know their are soldiers who don't even receive mail from home?
Check out Soldiers Angels about their organization and read the stories.

I feel lucky that DJ has a loving and caring girlfriend and family who send him mail and don't forget that he is half a world away in the war zone. But I wonder about the others in his troop and other battalions stationed with him. Do they? Can you imagine what it would be like to be stationed so far away and not know that the people in your own country even remember you're there?

It's sad...

But there are good people who do...

Stemily sent me an email to add to the "We Remember" book for the troops. Stemily, you are kind and giving. I won't forget. Neither will they... I am very grateful (((Hugs)))

Well, it's late and I am emotionally drained and I have to go to my torture treatment tomorrow so I need to drag myself to bed.

Thanks again Stemily!

Support the Troops!

2005-05-02T09:40:00.000-05:00

DJ will be home from Iraq this Saturday.
It will take him 24 hours to fly home. He will probably be here for 2 weeks and then he must go back. I am so glad he is coming home right now. It seems like the violence is getting worse there and I get sick to my stomach when I see a news story about someone being killed. But no matter how I feel I know it is a hundred times worse for DJ being there. And a 100 times worse for his girlfriend Melissa waiting at home for him to come back. I am tired of the War. I am tired of the death of these young boys and men who have children, families and loved ones back at home. It seems like the issue has been pushed to the back burner and Americans have forgotten about all the men and women overseas who are fighting and dying. It's hard to see people and read about some people who are anti-war. It's fine to be anti-war but not to be NOT anti-soldier. Some of these people think because a soldier is there fighting that they "like it" or believe in it. I wonder if people realize that this is their job. Their calling. It's what they do because they have too. They chose to join the services to defend our country and whether we choose to believe in the purpose of the War in Iraq we should still support the men and women soldiers who are there. They didn't ask for this. DJ is a hero. All the men and women in the war zone are hero's to me. They have given up the comfort and security we take for granted each and every second to stand behind the United States. Not behind a president or a cause. They took an oath to defend our country. If there were no war now they would still be defending our country somewhere else. You grew up and had dreams of being doctors, lawyers, programmers, whatever and most of them grew up and wanted to be a hero, a soldier. I am not defending our president or his choices. I'm not disagreeing with them either. Frankly, I could care less about Mr. Bush right now. All that matters to me is I have someone I love and care about in danger of losing his life every second of everyday and that scares the hell out of me. I know there are thousands and thousands of other families who feel the same things we do all over the world. But please don't forget about them. The soldiers.

When DJ goes back I would like to send something for the guys who are still there. The ones who won't be coming home soon. So they know we haven't forgotten. If anyone is interested in sending a message to the troops in Iraq please send me an email message and I will print it off and include it in an album I will make. A simple Thank you, God Bless or stay safe will be enough. If you want to include your mailing address, please do (both email and/or snail). Some of these guys and girls would probably love to have mail from the States. Please think about this. Post a link to this on your blog and spread the word.

It will only take a few minutes of your time and could make a world of difference to someone.

Please...

Send your message to the troops here:
Support the Troops Messages
Please include your name (First names are ok) and state. If you would like include your postal or email address, and blog address feel.

Thanks guys!

My daily bitch...

2005-05-02T08:51:00.000-05:00

Monday mornings suck!

I hate them. I relish the extra hour or so I get to sleep in on weekends before Cameron is rip roaring and ready to go at 8 a.m. But on Mondays that damn alarm starts at 4 a.m. for Dennis to go to work then is reset for 6 a.m. for Ash for school.

Does God find it amusing that I be woke up from my delightful slumber by the hell of a screaming alarm clock? I am beginning to wonder...

I had a toothache from HELL last Thursday and had to go see the dentist. My lower right wisdom tooth is erupted (I have no clue what that means) and has an abscess under it. The destruction was caused by the breakdown of the enamel on my teeth from puking my guts out during my pregnancy. Joy! Not! So now I have to see an oral surgeon on the 10th because apparently this wisdom tooths roots are grown into the major nerve in my jaw. Freakin` Great!

I already hate the dentist anyway. I need major baby treatment when I go there and now I have to see a surgeon... (Insert any and all cuss words of your choosing here!)

On a brighter note...
Tiff and Trav's baby shower was Saturday. It was nice. They got tons of stuff for the baby and they had a shitload of people there. The weather was crap but people still seemed to enjoy themselves. Dennis had to work so I went by myself. BY the time he got there at 7 p.m. I was ready to come home. My tooth was killing me and my feet hurt from chasing Cameron around. We were all in bed and asleep by 11:00 p.m. What party people we are...LOL!

Dennis has been on 12 hour shifts since Friday. I hate them. Life basically revolves around his shift and it sucks. But today is his last day until Friday. Thanks goodness.

The camper is looking sharp - yehaw! My sister finished the new covers for the cushions (minus the bed mattress cushions) and is working on the curtains for us. She did an AWESOME JOB! They look fantastic! I think I am going to try and recover the counter tops today. We already recovered them once but I have decided I want them to match the table top. I'm a freak about crap like that..

Alright need more coffee...My daily hell rant is over.

Rain Rain go Away, We got a Camper - Let's Partay!

2005-04-28T02:52:00.000-05:00

I am so freakin` sick of this cold weather crap that it isn't funny anymore. We have a week of 70- 80 degree weather and then we get 3 inches of snow followed by a afternoon warm up and then back to cold crap and rain...For 2 days now. Stop this SHIT immediately! I have had enough.

We got a popup camper! WoooHoo! I am sure that excites no one in the world but Dennis and I, LOL! We have wanted one for ions but never had the expendable finances. Then last Saturday morning I was talking to my sister Elaine and she was telling me about the popup they had bought and were picking up on Monday. Gawd was I bummed! It was one of those covet thy families better fortune moments. (I HATE those!)

After we got off the phone I headed into Ash's room to surf the net while Dennis used my new Dell to do a project for work. When I came out Elaine was here. I thought that was weird but I didn't question it too much. I got on my Dell and we were playing name that iTune...LOL (Ok so we were bored and it WAS snowing here...) Then I seen a truck driving by and Elaine asked Dennis and I to come to the window she wanted us to see our new pop-up. We were thinking what is she talking about and I assumed she meant hers but then she told us that Trav (My nieces hubby) had been driving along and seen a pop-up for sale at a house and pulled in to look at it. My niece Tiffany knew we were bummed because we couldn't afford one now. The sign said make an offer and had a phone number. Trav called the guy on his cell phone after he left assuming the guy was probably looking at a couple hundred dollars at least. It was an older pop-up, 1970-ish, but the canvas was knew and it had a full canopy with attachable screen house closure.

When he called the guy he asked how much he would take and the man said make me an offer so Trav said 50 bucks just joking and the guy said ok. Trav was shitting his pants! He told the guy I'll be right there to pick it up.

So Trav and Tiff bought us a pop-up! It needs some work. But no structural work minus some screws and a new drop ceiling inside. Did I mention it cost $50.00! That right! We got a damn pop-up camper for $50!

We installed a new glass dome over the light fixture inside today. We resurfaced the counter tops even though they didn't need it. I used Old English and shined up all the wood. Dennis put a new top on the table. My sister Connie is making us new valances to go around the inside with navy and hunter green material she went and bought for us. She also got the most beautiful navy and hunter green animal like print upholstery and is making new cover for all the seating cushions. They didn't need it either but she got it for $1.00 a yard at WalMart. The linoleum is in near perfect condition minus a few scuffs we will buff out. We are buying a new foam mattress pad from WalMart for the one end bed and using the one from that side with the one from the other side to make a thicker pad for that end saving us another $30.00. Connie is covering them in a navy material. I put new modern silver drawer pulls and hinges on the cabinentry today. And tomorrow we are putting in the new ceiling.

The coolest thing is that on the outside you open a door and pull out a 5` buffet that has the stove (Which has NEVER been used!) and slide out silverware drawer and a huge counter that lifts up to store your food items! That's why there is a screened in canopy! I think that is so awesome! The stove and storage is accessible through a lift up counter inside to if it rains too though.

I am so excited. Now my sister Elaine and her husband Dale, my niece Tiffany and her husband Travis, my sister Connie and her husband Jim, and Dennis and I ALL have campers and RV's! Not to mention my nieces Jessica, Melissa, and Carrie all have tents. So my family is going to scare the HELL out of some campers across the state of Michigan this summer. We will be traveling in a large caravan of RV's so if you see us coming pack up your shit and get the hell out or bring some beer over to our site and party with us ;)

Tiff if you are reading this I just want you to know how grateful Uncle Dennis and I are that Trav and you thought enough about us to be on the look out for a camper for us. We would never have one if it weren't for your generosity and thoughtfulness. It was a kind and wonderful thing to do and we won't forget it.

We love you.

OK, now I am outta here and headed for bed. I smell like Old English, the hubby will be real pleased with that, LOL!

New Look & New Attitude

2005-04-26T15:13:00.000-05:00

I'm sure you all might be asking yourselves why in the hell I would go through all that crap to change my blog?!?! I asked myself the same question after I started. It sucked and it was a pain.

Enough said.

My reasoning -

When I started this blog thing a few months ago I didn't really expect to love it like I do. It's my home away from my reality. I have met and made friends with some wonderful and kick ass people like Mamacita, who is the coolest lady I have ever met. She is smart beyond her years and she has celebrity friends. (Names I won't mention, but OH MY GAWD!) and she is a mother whom I only dream of being.

And then there is Dawn who I live vicariously through her wild and totally hip and rocking life! Oh lord, if I could only be as fun-loving as you girl!

And Sharon who touches the emotional retrospective side of me. Brilliant and caring and a wonderful woman.

Let me not forget the men in my blog life....

Matt who is young and tells THE funniest life stories around town!

The original blog world super hero, Genuine who is a awesome Dad and blogger, err Daddy Blogger. And funny and hosts the best net party around (Or so I have heard!)

And my newest regular guy read, John who writes the most powerful anthems of life I have read to date.

I haven't been around the blog world long. I don't have huge amounts of links or friends but I do find comfort here and solace in who I am. I learn something everyday and I laugh completely out loud at times.

The original name of this blog denoted more of a single side of my life and persona. A small note of the song that is me. I am not only a ranting housewife but a myriad of other qualities. Life doesn't piss me off all the time. I think it's both a bitter and sweet journey.

And like it says, "The only road I have ever known..."

I hope you all will take the trip with me...

2005-04-26T11:06:00.000-05:00

Hi Everyone!

I just wanted to let you all know I renamed my blog and changed the design.

I felt like I really wasn't the ranting housewife I originally set up my blog as. I guess I had really never gave it much thought as too how that can become your persona.

So this is my new skin, my new name, my new look.

PLEASE UPDATE your blogroll or link to me!
My new blog name is:
Life's Bittersweet Harmony

Otherwise you only see my old blog which does not load right.

2005-04-21T00:10:00.000-05:00

Tonight I was surfing around iTunes picking up some music with a gift certificate that Greg at California Hammonds sent me for a post I made during the Commentathon on April 1st in memory of his wife Cheryl.

I was led to Greg's site from another blogger friend. I spent many hours reading through the archives and viewing pictures that celebrated the life of his wife Cheryl, their love, and their family. It very much reverberates how I am feeling lately. Greg and especially Cheryl never took a moment for granted. I am very in the now of that emotion.

I had told Greg I was going to give the gift certificate to Ash and let her make a play list and burn a CD and tell her the story behind it and about the life of a woman I didn't know but have been affected by forever. But when I told Ash the story she asked if we could make a CD together as a family because that was what seemed right. I agreed.

So tonight we chose some songs and made a CD and we titled it: No Moment Lost
We got some songs from Greg's Playlist at iTunes:

Smooth - Santana and Rob Thomas
Bitch - Meredith Brooks
Beast of Burden - Rolling Stones
Hotel California - Eagles
Semi-Charmed Life - Third Eye Blind
The Reason - Hoobastank
And some other ones...

It turned into the perfect singing out loud while dancing in the kitchen with your kids in your jammies CD.

Thanks for the gift certificate Greg. We will never forget where it came from or why...

Talking your shit...

2005-04-20T16:15:00.000-05:00

Hollaback Girl

That's my theme tune for the day- Check it!

Thanks for your support...

2005-04-20T15:59:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to extend a HUGE thanks to all of my dear and beloved blogger friends for all your kind emails and comments about my post detailing our ordeal with Cameron. I would reply to each and everyone of them specifically but my time is limited to naps and after bedtime (Or 4 a.m. morning posts, LOL)

Katie, Sharon, Veronica, Mamacita, Stemily, Mary, and Tammy...

You all made me feel very honored to have your friendship. I hope I can repay it ten-fold one day...

(((hugs)))

Breaking blogger "code" with Amazing Mommas

2005-04-20T03:25:00.000-05:00

I realize I haven't posted a new recipient for my "One Amazing Momma" award due to Cameron getting so sick suddenly but also because I received a few emails from people whom I will leave their identities anonymous that have made the accusation that I created the OAM award to get traffic to my blog.

For the record-
I did not ever have any intention of using the award to get visitors to my blog. I simply did it because I thought it was a great way to show respect, admiration and support to women who do a fantastic job of mothering. It's a selfless job and you don't get a ton of praise from the general public.

I never asked for nor required that any of the recipients post the award on their blog or even mention it. They were free to take the graphic and post it if they chose to but it was NEVER an issue. No linking or any type of reciprocal favor was asked. EVER!

That was my sole reasoning behind my motivation. Now I feel like I did something ugly that people may construe as malicious. So I am thinking about stopping. Which truly makes me sad because the women I have had a priviledge to meet and read are all very deserving as are others...

I guess I'll give it a week to digest how I really feel about these accusations. I haven't been around the blogging world long so I guess maybe I committed a big blogger sin. If I did, I'm sorry...

Scrapbook Blogs

2005-04-20T03:03:00.000-05:00

If anyone knows of any blogs related to or concerning scrapbooking could you email me or post a link in my comments.

Thanks bunches :)

2005-04-20T02:36:00.000-05:00

I need a whole new blog look. Now that I have XP and my screen settings at a higher def this blog looks like shit. Ugh! Rachel at Bitchalicious is designing me a new skin but she is so busy, poor girl. She works like mad and runs her own business and crap. Not to mention she works for blog explosion too.

Did I mention Cam is up?!?! And that I have to get Ash up for school at 6 a.m. which gives me approximately 2 hours of sleep if went to bed right this second...LOL! Not happening. We are currently being serenaded by Elmo in Grouchland and rumblings thunderstorms in the distance.

I have decided to make a new scrapbook web site. I got some plans in the works. This won't be a retail site but a resource site. Anyhoot, I am excited. Something to get creative with.

Are there any scrappers out there? Speak to me sistahs!

Tempestous skies and sleepless nights

2005-04-20T02:34:00.000-05:00

There is a storm brewing...
The thunder is rolling... Lightning is flashing ...

And I am wide awake at 3:34 a.m. with my son who now has his days and nights screwed up.

Go figure :(

Remembering through music

2005-04-20T00:06:00.000-05:00

Tonight I was surfing around iTunes picking up some music with a gift certificate that Greg at California Hammonds sent me for a post I made during the Commentathon on April 1st in memory of his wife Cheryl.

I was led to Greg's site from another blogger friend. I spent many hours reading through the archives and viewing pictures that celebrated the life of his wife Cheryl, their love, and their family. It very much reverberates how I am feeling lately. Greg and especially Cheryl never took a moment for granted. I am very in the now of that emotion.

I had told Greg I was going to give the gift certificate to Ash and let her make a play list and burn a CD and tell her the story behind it and about the life of a woman I didn't know but have been affected by forever. But when I told Ash the story she asked if we could make a CD together as a family because that was what seemed right. I agreed.

So tonight we chose some songs and made a CD and we titled it: No Moment Lost
We got some songs from

Greg's Playlist at iTunes:

Smooth - Santana and Rob Thomas
Bitch - Meredith Brooks
Beast of Burden - Rolling Stones
Hotel California - Eagles
Semi-Charmed Life - Third Eye Blind
The Reason - Hoobastank
And some other ones...

It turned into the perfect singing out loud while dancing in the kitchen with your kids in your jammies CD.

Thanks for the gift certificate Greg. We will never forget where it came from or why...

Taking life for granted and hating the people who pretend to know what they are doing!

2005-04-18T00:49:00.000-05:00

I don't even know if anyone remembers me or even reads this blog anymore because it has been so long since I have had a chance to post anything. Not because I haven't had anything to bitch and rant about or anything joyous to bellow about my good life but because life just came to a screeching halt here the last 8 days.

I suppose I am no different than a majority of people who at times trudges through life pissing and moaning about the bad things and reveling in the good going through day after day taking all the miracles and "givens" for granted. I am really, REALLY good at that. Assuming that most awful critical life moments happen to "other" people.

It's sad...Taking for granted the simple things.

I won't be so blaze` about them anymore...Ever.

I was pretty excited when my Dell arrived last Friday. Damn excited to be honest. We got it setup and running around midnight and then I cleaned up the umpteen boxes, plastic, and packing materials and started playing around with XP to see the difference between it and Windows 98. I think I hit the bed around 3 a.m. but I'm not sure. The whole week is kind of one continous blur now.

Around 4:30 a.m. Dennis was getting showered for work and I was snoozing fitfully, (This should have been a bad omen since I adore sleep but I of course paid zippo amount attention to the gnawing feeling eating away that something bad was coming.) when we both heard a wretching sound come over Cameron's baby monitor. He flew out of the bathroom and I sat up like a bolt and we said in unison, "What the HELL was that?!?!" We listened a few moments longer thinking maybe it was one of the dogs or the wind. But within a few seconds we heard the same guttural noise and knew Cameron was throwing up.

Dennis ran in there as I got out of bed. Cameron was throwing up everywhere and was burning up with a fever. I got some towels, washcloths, and Tylenol. We cleaned up the horrid mess as we tried to get him settled back down. Cameron has been sick before but just a slight cold and never throwing up. We were assuming he had picked up the bug Ash had a few days earlier and the one that got my Mom admitted to the hospital.

It wasn't long before he was throwing up again so I brought him into our room and Dennis made me some coffee. Sleeptime was officially over. After a few more incidents I won't detail and getting Cam settled down I ran a shower for him and decided to let him soak in the spraying water while I sat on side watching him. He seemed to perk up and the ugly smell of being sick was gone. I thought maybe a little things were looking up. But as soon as I even let the thought hit my mind Cam got diarrhea. Out of the shower and into the tub for a quick bath and then back into yet another set of jammies while I cleaned the shower and bleached it out. Around 1 p.m. he finally drifted off to sleep.

All day I couldn't get him to drink much. He wouldn't nurse his bottle or try any food whatsoever. He started to look pale and he was exhausted. Dennis got home around 6 :45 p.m. and we decided to try to go through the night and see if it would pass like Ash's flu bug did. He slept relatively well and his fever stayed down somewhat well with the help of the Tylenol.

He was up around 8 a.m. the next day and again I let myself think we were on the mend but before long he was vomiting again and spiking fevers. Now he wasn't drinking too much of anything, maybe an ounce. I called Dennis at work and he left a couple hours early. We headed for Redi-Med. Cameron was getting really lethargic now and crying a lot with few if any tears. We got in fairly quickly and seen Dr. Papodopolous. I didn't like him much from the get go but I thought he is a doctor so listen to what he has to say. I could barely understand anything he had to say because he was a foreigner. I am not prejudice but I think if you are going to work in a country where the language is English - LEARN THE FUCKING LANGUAGE!

He checked Cam's lungs, throat and ears. He said his lungs sounded good, sinuses were good, but he had an ear infection which he said explained the vomiting and lack of interest in eating or drinking. He gave us a prescription for an antibiotic, said to try Pedialyte, and give him Tylenol. We picked up the script at the 24-hour Walgreens and headed home. Cam seemed to perk up in the car. He took a couple ounces of Gatorade and wanted some french fries.

We were sure we had done the "right" thing.

Around 2 or 3 a.m. we were back to vomiting. The diarrhea had never stopped. We kept vigil and Dennis slept on the floor next to Cameron's bed through the night. By the next afternoon we were in a state of panic. The diarrhea was worse and Cameron was nuring nothing. Around midnight after 2 doses of the antibiotic and trying everything we knew to try we headed for the emergency room.

We only waited a short while before being taken back to a room. We were excited about that. Normally you wait forever before you get in. Within 30 minutes Dr. Rullan came in. She was a tall. Thin woman with an elitist attitude. She checked Cam over and immediately ordered blood work and an I.V. because he was severely dehydrated. She checked his ears, nose, throat, and little body. I gave her the bottle of liquid antibiotic Dr. Papodopolous had prescribed us and she pitched it in the trash. She was pissed off. She said Cameron did NOT have any symptoms of an ear infection at ALL! I was fucking pissed! She said the antibiotic had only made his diarrhea worse. She believed he had a viral flu that was wide spread. She said she wanted to check his labs and make sure everything else was ok before giving her final diagnosis but she said the I.V. would make an immediate change in him.

They inserted a suppository to stop the vomiting and the I.V. was running by 12:30 a.m. The stupid bitch nurse blew the vein in Camerons one arm and then tried in the other. They had to attach a brace to keep him from bending it but they taped it shitty and I retaped when Dennis and my sister went outside to smoke. I didn't watch them put the I.V. in. I couldn't...

I try to be the stand-up Mom bandage the wounds, pretend things aren't so bad but I could NOT do it. I was a wreck. I went outside while they did it. I am embarrassed and ashamed of that but I couldn't do it.

I just couldn't do it...

By 3 a.m. the nurse had come in and increased the speed of the I.V. glucose drip. I'll admit Cameron did perk up. The suppository was working and Cam hadn't thrown up. He seemed to get a little color back and he was resting. He drank a few ounces of juice. Around 5 a.m. they took a stool sample to check for Rotavirus. I had never heard of that before but I was ok with whatever they were going to do AS LONG AS they fixed my baby...Please...Just fix my son.

AT 6 a.m. the nurse returned with 4 vials. They were about the size of a printer cartridge. She said she need to fill ALL 4 vials for a parasitic testing the doctor had ordered. I said, "Excuse me?" Umm, HELLO ASSHOLES! The poor baby has diarrhea it is nothing but liquid! She said we had to stay until it was done. Ok whatever bitch- get on with it. I had just assumed they were going to like do a catch basin or something but OH NO! They had to get the sample from his diapers after he went. Idiots... Diapers are absorbent and he is pooping pure liquid. I wanted to kill someone. She said it was going to be a long time... NO fricking shit sherlock!

Around 7:30 a.m. the doctor breezed in and checked Cam over. She said his color was good. He hadn't vomited and she was releasing us. She said he should be better in a day or two and to give him Gatorade and Motrin as well as Tylenol. They are dispersed through different organs and affect different parts of the brain so they don't cause overdoses. She also said to comeback if he got worse. I asked about the Rotavirus test and she said sometimes they gather a bunch together before testing to save the technician from being called in. She said if he had Rotavirus the treatment was the same anyway- fluid hydration. Simply put to get the viri out you need to flush them out with fluids. And off she went. We asked about the other stool testing when the nurse came in since the partially filled vial was still sitting there with three more to go and she just shrugged her shoulders. She was dumb bitch. Now, I realize I was and am still an upset Mommy about this but please! This woman had NO patient consideration, no support for us, and she checked on Cameron 3 times in the 8 hours we were there. It was ridiculous. But he really did seem better. We were home by 8 a.m. sure we were now on the path to recovery. We were wrong...

The first clue was Cameron threw up about an hour or so after we got home. But he rested better. He did nurse some but the diarrhea never stopped. We crawled through the day and night. By the next afternoon (Wednesday) Cameron was getting lethargic again and he wasn't drinking and the vomiting started back regularly. I called the E.R. like Cam's release papers said but they told me I needed to call my family physcian. So I did. We went in 1:30 p.m.

Dr. Cataquiz checked Cam over and said she didn't see signs of dehydration yet and that she was having the hospital fax over his file. She came in about 15 minutes later and told us he had Rotavirus. I said ok, so now what? She said that we need to give him Gatorade or Pedialyte, the Tylenol and Motrin and she also gave me a script for 2 more suppositories for vomiting. She said it lasts 2 - 8 days. She also told us to take Cameron straight to the E.R. if we thought he was dehydrated because it is better to err on the side of safety and the worse that could happen would be he would either get the fluids of he needed them or we would know he wasn't dehydrated and we could relax our nerves. She also asked if we were using highly sanitary practices and proper disposal of diapers. I asked why? Well this is the real kicker and truly makes me angry beyond words... Rotavirus is HIGHLY contagious! The fricking bitch doctor at the hospital NEVER told us that! NEVER! Oh I wanted to drive over to that hospital and beat her ass down!

When we left there I wanted to scream but all I could manage were tears of disgust, exhaustion, and despair. We picked up the suppositories and went home. I wondered how many of my family members had now been infected because we were not informed about what this Rotavirus was and exactly how to handle it. I had lost all faith in the medical profession and trust in myself as a parent, caregiver and protecter of my own child. I was humiliated, beaten down, and just exhausted mentally and physically.

I gave Cam the suppository when we got home and he livened up enough to play with his Aunt Nonnie and Uncle Jim. He didn't nurse a lot but some and he ate 3 pieces of a cucumber. He wanted it so bad. He didn't sleep well that night and by morning he was back to vomiting. The diarrhea had slowed down and by midafternoon had stopped but he couldn't keep anything down again. When Dennis got home from work after talking with my sisters, my mom and making sure I wasn't losing my mind Dennis and took off for the E.R. again. Cam was exhausted and non-responsive. He wasn't talking hardly and was crying when he did.

When we arrived at the E.R. I told the triage check-in that Cameron was diagnosed with Rotavirus and they took us right back. We were taken into Pediatric Emergency medicine where he seen Dr. Dowdry. She was so nice and talked to Cameron to soothe him so he wouldn't be so scared. Dr. Rullan NEVER TRIED THAT... She just poked, prodded and treated him like a cadaver. Cameron who had once been so healthy and perfect for his size at 18 months and weighing 29 pounds and 9 ounces now weighed only 21.11 pounces. He has lost almost 10 pounds. His ankles stuck out like bolts. You could see his ribs in his front side and back. His spine stuck out a 1/2 inch from his skin. His eyes were sunken and he was simply nothing but skin and bones. Dr. Dowdry was very concerned about the weight loss and was total miffed no other doctor was concerned as we were. She then said two words that nearly brought me to a total mental breakdown... Spinal Tap.

As simple as that I felt everything leave my body. I remember feeling hot liquid pouring from my eyes and dripping onto Camerons blanky where he slept soundly on my lap. I remember her patting my thigh. I remember my sister running from the room and I remember looking down at my sweet baby wondering why this was happening.

After Dr. Dowdry let the silence wash over us and it all sink in she said that they had requested the hard copy file from Camerons visit earlier in the week and that she would consult with all the other pediatricians before making a final call on the necessity of the spinal tap but she did want to warn us that it was a possibility and we should prepare ourselves. She said she wasn't going to let Cameron go home until she was sure exactly what was going on.

I was thankful for her honesty. Thankful she was going to do everything possible to help our baby and scared to death he might have spinal meningitis.

45 minutes later Dr. Bezill, the Chief Pediatric doctor, came in. He said he wanted to get a chest x-ray and rule out pneumonia and any blockages and check over Camerons previous blood work before he talked to us about his conclusions. He said Cameron wasn't dehydrated but he thought we did the right thing bringing him in to be sure. He said he was now going to be Camerons doctor. We were thankful but worried this meant only more bad news to come. Dennis went with Cameron to x-ray and he was really good. The technician gave him stickers and said he was a great boy. Our nurse came in and offered to get us something to eat or drink while we waited, we said thank you but just got some juice. The other E.R. had never offered us anything. She brought the juice and a brand new big teddy bear for Cameron. It was so nice and thoughtful.

After an hour or so Dr. Bezill returned and said Cameron's x-ray had been clear of pneumonia but his intestines were filled with hundreds of small sacks of air. He had no blockages. He also told us his blood work was clear and that he truly believed Cameron was about to turn the corner on this Rotavirus and would be feeling better soon. He said we needed to give him fluids every 30 minutes whether he would take them or not. (We had to use a large needle-less syringe and force them in) and contiue with the Tylenol and Motrin and safety precautions. He said by Saturday he was sure Cameron would be much better but to realize that he would play and try to be himself but then suffer extreme fatigue from lack of activity, fluids and simply exhaustion. He said he would gain the weight back eventually and wouldn't suffer any harm from the weight loss. He talked to us for nearly an hour and answered every single question, concern, and complaint we had. He never made us feel inferior, stupid, or crazy. He was a patient, kind, and amazing doctor. I was and am grateful for that.

So to make this extremely long story shorter today is now early Monday morning and Cameron is much better. He isn't vomiting. The diarrhea is gone. He is eating and a lot. I can't even imagine what it feels like to starve for 5 days and want to eat but throw it up. He is still weak. He gets tired and cranky from too much activity. He tried to be the old Cameron as hard as he can. He is my trooper, my miracle, my life...

This week has been the longest and toughest of my life. I watched my baby slowly plummet to a place I hope no child ever goes before they live a long wonderful life. We have slept so little. We are broke. We spent every cent on meds and trips to the E.R. I was as close to having a nervous breakdown as someone can get.

I don't know how long it will take before Dennis and I ever truly trust any medical professionals again. Dr. Bezill and Dr. Dowdry were wonderful. Dr. Cataquiz was too. But our faith has been shaken. Our trust lost.

Part of me doesn't feel quite the same. I used to live life thinking I could handle just about anything. I'm not sure of that anymore. My spirit is a little broken now. I feel deflated and unnerved.

But I have seen some wondrous things. I watched the spirit of a little boy battle for every breath and second. I have seen the glory of family and there unfaltering support. I have watched my husband love his children with the protectiveness and truest of soul a man has to offer. I have seen the sun rise and set and life become aglow with possibility again. And I have learned I am but a small chapter in a bigger picture. I am both weak and strong. I am everything and nothing and I have learned I wouldn't trade one iota of a second with my children for anything in this world...

NEVER take for granted the gifts you have of family, friends, and children. Life could be over in the blink of the eye without warning. You may not got a second chance to tell the ones you love just how much they mean to you. Never take for granted the gift of life...

I am sorry if some of my new found friends stopped coming by my blog. I truly am. I have found both solace and refuge among my blog friends. I have enjoyed my glimpses into your worlds and jokes we have shared if only by typed word. I do hope that you all understand why I haven't responded to emails or posts or stopped by your blogs. Hopefully over the next week things will settle back down and I can find time to enjoy my new computer and catch up on your lives. I have missed you guys....

Total chaos

2005-04-14T23:30:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone, this is Tammys niece, Jessica. She asked me to log on and let you all know what has been going on. Both Ashley and Cameron have been sick in the last couple of weeks, and her mother went in to the hospital for a couple of days.

Ashley was sick and she thankfully got over it, as soon as she was better her mother got sick and was hospitalized, she is home now, thankfully. The same day that her mother came home her son Cameron got very sick and has been since. He is unable to keep juice and foods down, he also is having diarrhea, First they took him to Ready Med, the doctor there said that he had an ear infection and gave him an antibiotic. He only got worse. Then, they took him in to the ER on Monday night because he had become quite dehydrated. The doctors at the ER said that he did not have an ear infection so they put an IV in his little arm and gave him some fluids, after they felt that he was okay they released him. They tested to see if he had "Rotavirus," the test came back postive, for some in depth information about the virus here is a link http://www.cdc.gov/ncidod/dvrd/revb/gastro/rotavirus.htm.

When he was sent home things seemed to be getting better, he tried to eat, but still couldn't keep it down. He was trying to run around like usual, but he just didn't have enough strength in his little legs to run like usual. It was sad to see him going through this. When his belly would act up or when anything was hurting him he would just cry and say "sowwy," that was the hardest part to hear him say that. It just made you want to take all of the pain away from him and put it on yourself a hundred times worse. Yesterday, I spent the day over there and he was still pretty bad, so Tammy and I took him in to their family doctor, she gave a prescription for two suppositories to hopefully help with his vomiting. She said that if he was vomiting through them that he needed to go back in. It seemed like they were helping a little bit, and from what my mom said he was sleeping pretty good last night when she left. Today, I did not get to see much of him due to school and volunteer work, so all I know is that he was extremely weak and tired. They decided that it would be best to take him in to the ER again. Tam called about an hour ago and said that they aren't going to release him this time until they know the full extent of his condition. They said that they would do some chest x-rays and if he became fully dehydrated they would put in another IV to give him more fluids.

As I find out more, I will post it until Tam gets back and is able to post.

Sorry if it is choppy and hard to understand, there are all kinds of things going on so I am remembering bits and pieces at a time.

I hate blogger!

2005-04-07T20:53:00.000-05:00

Stupid damn thing just ate the entire huge post I typed...... Grrrrrrr!!

Dude....

2005-04-05T15:37:00.000-05:00

Dude!

I'm getting a Dell!

Yeehaw! I just ordered a brand new Dell with custom add-ons! My husband gets a company discount and pays with his payroll check...

Ahhh! Life if good.

This week's One Amazing Momma award goes to...

2005-04-04T00:21:00.000-05:00

I have been fortunate enough to have several nominations suggested by email and in the comments. After spending the last week reading particular blogs I have chosen the next recipient of the One Amazing Momma award and she is....

Mamacita of Scheiss Weekly

I have never met Mamacita or talked to her. I did read her entire blog from her very first post on April 20th, 2004 to her post Sunday April 3rd, 2005. After a few posts I was addicted to her wit and humor. She is articulate and writes in a way that draws you into the very event she is detailing and I only wished I had a laptop so I could be snuggled warm in my bed with some hot chocolate and reading more. I was humbled by her. I was amused by her. But most of all I admire her love and devotion to her family and children alike. She is the epitome of what this award is about for me. Even though her children are grown she is and always will be One Amazing Momma...

Congratulations Mamacita... You ARE One Amazing Momma. And thank you for sharing your world.

Mamacita was nominated by Dawn at Tiny Voices in my Head

Here are a few of my favorite snippets from Mamacita:

(The following excerpts are the copyright of Scheiss Weekly)

Yeah, white gloves wouldn't work in my house.

Of course, those gloves wouldn't stay white very long, in my house. And do you know why?

Because people LIVE in my house. And we leave our mark all over it. If Good Housekeeping ever sent a crew to my house, they'd pass out cold, because I don't think I've ever seen a house in a magazine that people actually lived in on a daily basis.

Think about it. Magazine shots never show a house with a stack of cereal bowls in the sink, or dirty socks under all the coffee tables, or dirty words written in the dust on all the surfaces not covered by piles of old magazines. I look at those pictures and think, has anyone ever really been comfortable in that house? Sure, all the colors match, and the cushions are all poofy, and there's no cat hair on anything, and the wall art is uniformly impersonal and represents nobody who actually lives in the house (where are the photographs of the family, for crying out loud?) but where is the personality of the people who sleep under that roof? An antique ten thousand dollar bed might be a thing of beauty, and the envy of the neighborhood, but to me, the thing of beauty would be the filthy little boy lying on top of the bedspread, wearing equally filthy SpongeBob pajamas and curled up next to the shedding cat.

You can always wash a child. You can always wash his pajamas. If absolutely necessary, you can even wash a cat.

And a ten-thousand-dollar bed that has to be coddled and never jumped on, or used as a pirate ship, isn't worth jack shit to me.

I do remember, though, that if you sleep on TOP of the bedspread, you don't have to make your bed the next morning.

--------------------------------------------------

I took my mother to the doctor today, and had an interesting experience in the lab waiting room. A cherubic little boy of about four was sitting on the floor playing with blocks. He had the kind of face and eyes that make people want to rush home and make babies of their own to look at. He sat there stacking blocks, singing sweet little songs from Sesame Street, and occasionally interspersing the lyrics with Mr. Rogers quotations. The waiting room was crowded and everyone was practically hypnotized with enchantment at the very essence and being of this beautiful child.

"Rubbie duckie, you're the one, you make bathtime lots of fun, so won't you be my neighbor, on my way to where the air is sweet, I thought you would, I thought you were, rubber duckie I'm awfully fond of you, doo-bee-doo-doobie- SHIT ! FUCK ! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT ! FUCK FUCK! It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor, every day when I go to play in my tubbie, some people are fancy on the outside, SHIT ! FUCK ! SHIT SHIT SHIT!"

Oh, did I forget to mention the Tourette's?

I think some of the older people in the waiting room noticed.

------------------------------------------------------

When the kids were little I used to hide candy bars in the freezer, wrapped in foil and labelled 'chicken fat.'
I stole that idea from Erma Bombeck.
It worked, too.
---------------------------------------
Oh, my babies. . . . don't think for a MINUTE that just because you are now the age I was when I had you, that you can ever be anything except my precious children.
You are my babies. Babies who became children. Children who became teens. Teens who because adults. Adults who are leading productive useful interesting lives, in spite of being raised by a mother who didn't have a clue what she was doing.
I do now, but you're already raised! Hurry up with the grandchildren, would ya, before I forget all this good stuff.
I hope you don't do some of the things I did. But how could I know until I did them?
What kind of mother takes a little girl with walking pneumonia, and a little boy with chickenpox, to the big city to ride in glass elevators and walk ten blocks to magic stores to buy invisible dogs and fart spray?
What kind of mother wraps a toddler in a blanket and takes him outside at four a.m. to show him crocuses pushing up through the snow?
What kind of mother wakes her small children up at midnight because "the time is right for a movie and some popcorn?"
What kind of mother lets her tiny children play outside in the nude, and sits on the steps sprinkling them with the hose? (We live way out in the country.)
What kind of mother lets a little girl wear her cowgirl dress on her first trip to the dentist? Complete with boots and hat?
What kind of mother lets a little boy wear an Alf sweatsuit to school three days in a row because "it feels good on my back, mommy."
What kind of mother would say things like "Let's have Hostess cupcakes for lunch today!"
What kind of mother dips the daddy's big boot in flour to make Santa's snowy footprints in the living room by the Christmas tree?
What kind of mother said 'no' when ALL the other mothers said 'yes?'
What kind of mother said 'yes' when ALL the other mothers said 'no?'
What kind of mother would be horrified on the outside and laughing on the inside when a little girl announced at Grandma's house, "Oh mommy, I wish I could say SHIT!"
What kind of mother cuts up her favorite dress so a little girl would have something new on third grade picture day?
What kind of mother would sit up all night making a ninja outfit for a little boy on Halloween? Especially when it was special-ordered by the little boy after dark on October 30? And when the little boy already had a perfectly good costume.
What kind of mother lets a sleepover of little boys jump on the sofa beds till the springs break off? And laughs?
What kind of mother would buy a set of bagpipes because a little boy said he wanted to learn to play them? BAGPIPES!!!!!!
A crazy mother, that's what kind.
Hello. I am a crazy mother.
And so are you, if you're worth a toot.
(Crazy fathers included in honor.)
-----------------------------------------
My family is the greatest family on the planet. They sing, they play, they laugh, they talk, they eat, they bolster, they advise, they love. They even love me. I find that incredible.
---------------------------------------------
Congratulations again, Mamacita :)

Busy living, not dying...

2005-04-02T11:19:00.000-05:00

I am a slacker/procrastinator/lazy bum...

I am also a list-maker. I live by lists. I list meals for the week, things to do, appointments, groceries in my cabinets, websites and MORE...

But for some reason the list-maker and the slacker can't seem to meet on an equal playing field that allows me to accomplish the goal on my list. 99% of the time this reeks havoc on my optimism and sense of worth. I don't make excuses... I could. I have got some medical issues but I have never talked about them on here. I do that because once I give in to the excuse of it I can openly use it to sit back and feel sorry for myself. I won't do that.

My oldest brother C - and yes this time I am not going to name his name- is 55. Almost 10 years ago he suffered a major heart attack. He died twice on the operating table. He was cut from his neck to his groin. His rib cage was cracked and split open and his heart massaged by another human being. His legs were cut from the groin to the top of his feet. Veins were removed and used to replace the veins of his heart that were blocked and no longer functioning. When I seen him shortly after the surgery I almost threw up. Because of the extent of the surgery and amount of incisions he couldn't be cleaned up due to possible infection. He was covered in blood. The only place I did not see blood was on his face and his toes. There were drain tubes coming from his chest, his neck, and his groin. It was the most horrible thing I had ever seen.

C recovered slowly and very painfully. His life given back to him. Did you know that a majority of the people who have heart attacks suffer depression. This also can manifest itself in the form of anger. That's what happened to my brother C. At first it was just depression. The realization that life was not in his control and that he was not invincible, having to have others change your clothes, bathe you, and help you to the bathroom all contributed to the depression. But after months of recovery and rehabilitation, learning to live better, reduce stressors, and change his diet things didn't change. His anger turned from depression to anger.

He was mad... at the world, his wife, his kids, his parents, his siblings, his doctor, his workplace and at God.

For years after C continued to see a psychologist to talk about this and his life. He took antidepressants and sleep aids. His work suffered and eventually he lost his job. He was a psychologist, just the same as he had been seeing himself.

After C lost his job, do to absences from health issues, he became a totally different person. From years of playing football, being overweight his knees were shot. He lived in constant pain and needed knee replacement but no one was willing to do that on a patient who has a weak heart. Walking with a cane became a must and walking itself was a exercise in self misery. His depression worsened and his relationship with my sister in law, P, became troubled. His new psychologist put him on a pain med called Oxycontin. This highly debated and addictive drug helped his pain but it also numbed his mind. Soon he began misusing it and became QUICKLY addicted. Instead of taking it as prescribed he would chew it, getting a rush somewhat like heroin. Oxycontin is a synthetic version of heroin itself. The rush was better than his useless life was how he justified his actions. We watched him slip into stupors where he would be standing talking to you and in the next second be total unconscious but still standing, Eyes closed and slurring words.

This went on for a number of months before during a routine stress test to check the condition of his heart he suffered another minor heart attack. As he was walking on the treadmill he became faint and as he was passing out he heard the code call for a crash cart. His heart was beating at 487 beats per minute. The highest ever seen by the cardiologist and basically at the pint of explosion.

He was rushed to the major medical center in his town where they stabilized his heart and implanted a Cardioverter Defibrillator. This is basically a pacemaker with the capabilities to shock the heart as well, if needed. And he was busted for his misuse of Oxycontin. My sil called us to come for an intervention because they thought it was necessary he get clean and give up the oxy and other pain meds he was taking. These included darvocet, vicodin in conjunction with the Oxycontin. We went, it was ugly. Tears, accusations, blame, denial and more. But he did end up agreeing to go to a facility.

The facility or prison as C now calls it was hell for him. I don't honestly know what it was really like nor do I care too. He ended up being checked out by my ssil, P, when he told her upon a visit he was dying and needed to go to the hospital. When they arrived they discovered blood clots in his lung. Treatment included blood thinner administration at the hospital and then eventually by visiting nurse. He recovered. (3 times a second chance granted)

Today my brother is oxycontin free. His knees still need to be replaced. He still has his pacemaker/defibrillator. It has went off once and shocked his heart. He did spend a week in the hospital. (4th chance) He is alive. He has a wife. He has 2 young children 14, and 11. And he is ungrateful...

Does that sound crude? I'm sure it does. But I don't apologize. I think he is ungrateful.

4 times his life has been threatened by death and 4 times he was granted another chance to live. But he doesn't. He spends his days sleeping and his nights awake. He drinks beer and wallows in how he isn't the man he USED to be. He can't do this and he can't do that. He doesn't seem to care that he CAN DO things. He does have two beautiful children who love him as well as a wife and family. He spends everyday talking about how he is dying...

NOT LIVING- dying...

I used to feel sorry for him. I felt sorry for his pain, the heart attacks, the depression, the drugs. But I don't anymore. Our own father fought hard for 30 days to have one more chance to live to see his children and granchildren grow up, to spend more time with my mom, his wife. He didn't get it. My brother spends his time feeling sorry for himself. Sorry he isn't the moneymaker he used to be. (They were very well off.) Sorry he can't play football with his son. (His son doesn't even like football)

I live with my own pain but I don't feel sorry for myself. I don't live my life based on how shitty I feel today or yesterday or how shitty tomorrow might be. I cherish every second of every moment I am able to take a breath and see my kids grow. I thank god for things I am blessed with.. breathing, my husband and my family. Seeing the sunset, smelling the spring air, watching flowers bloom.

I am grateful for everyday even filled with pain because I am alive.

This is why I don't talk about my medical crap. Beause I refuse to live one single second of my life like my brother. I refuse to spend my time dying instead of living.

So even when I say I am a slacker, I make myself do it. Life is a gift.

I live by a quote from the movie The Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy living or get busy dying..."

I choose to live.

Whatever dude...

2005-04-01T13:00:00.000-05:00

My back still hurts like hell....
Cam is still sick....
Dennis has been an asshole ALL day...

and I am pissy beyond belief...nice start to the weekend.

2005-04-01T02:18:00.000-05:00

This is what a HUGE bouncy thing looks like in my living room!

2005-04-01T02:16:00.000-05:00

Cam making his first Easter egg.

2005-04-01T02:13:00.000-05:00

Egg for DJ in Iraq and Hand drawn rose egg by Dennis

Alas an update...

2005-04-01T02:03:00.000-05:00

I am a sucky blogger lately...

I just haven't managed to get my crap together and post. Of course when Dennis is home I have a hard time choosing to blog over going to bed and snuggling up to my man. And after a few days of revamping this site and dealing with blogspot posting hell I really had no desire to post.

Last night I did get on and read my fave blogs... And I did have every intention on posting but Cam woke up at 1:30 a.m. with a raging fever. After I got him settled down and gave him some Tylenol I brought him into bed with Dennis and I and we read stories and sang songs. He loves for me to sing him silly songs like the ants go marching and hush little Cameron... It's a mommy and Cameron thing. Since the day he was born I would sing to him during his feedings and when he was upset. I still do it when he is sick and when he just needs to relax.

Dennis and I both think it's his molars cutting through but we made an appointment at the docter for tomorrow anyway. Better safe than sorry, I hate it when my little man is sick. I feel helpless...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Easter was really nice. I made dinner for my sister, bil, nieces, my mom, Dennis, Ash, Cam and I. Roast turkey, brown sugar glazed ham, mashed potatoes, gravy, candied yams, green bean casserole, fried corn, fresh asparagus, baked beans, and taco salad. My mom brough broccoli and rice casserole and deviled egss. My sister brought rolls. We had strawberry shortcake, peach pie, chocolate silk pie, and lemon meringue pie for dessert. It was fabu. I served dinner on the milk glass I collect and only use on special occasions and it looked gorgeous.

Cameron loved his Easter basket and looked at everything one item at a time and really slowly. It was adorable. Ash loved her outfits and new shoes and crafty stuff. My sister & bil bought Cameron a motor inflated bouncing thingy like they have at fairs. He was and is scared shitless of it, LOL! But we all LOVE it...too funny. Pictures are in my flickr at the right. Including lots of new ones...

We dyed(?) eggs the night before and made a couple special eggs for DJ so we can send pictures to him in Iraq and he will know we missed him...

We did get to talk to him on Easter. It was sad. I didn't want to talk to him because I just pretend that he isn't really there. He is just somewhere too busy to hang out or he is working. But as I waited the 10 second gap it took for our voices to reach each other on the phone. I was so sad... I held it in and tried to sound happy but the minute I got off the phone I went into the kitchen and cried...

I cried for all the soldiers sitting in Iraq not knowing if or when they will ever come home. I cried for the fear they must feel every second they are there. I cried at the possibility that DJ may not come home. I cried because Cameron is growing up and DJ is missing it. I cried because I know how hard it is for Melissa to love him so much and not be able to see him and know he is safe. I cried because it doesn't make sense...

I hope everyone out there will say a prayer for all the troops stationed in Iraq and abroad and their families. Holidays are hard but everyday is an eternity when someone you love is a world away. Even if you are against the war pray for the troops. They didn't ask to be sent there, they are doing their job and duty.

I am going to make a Support Our Troops graphic for anyone who is interested in posting it on their blog or website. It should be available by next week. Please consider posting it... It would mean alot to the soldiers and their families.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don't forget to check out the rose egg Dennis hand drew and colored...it's amazing. So is he...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was beautiful and warm here in Michigan yesterday. 70 degrees and sunny. Ash and her dad worked in the yard all day and Cam got to play outside too. My niece took a couple pictures of them and they are in my flickr stream at the right.

Ash is on Spring Break. She busted her butt and cleaned the flower beds yesterday and planted some bulbs for me. She is such a hard worker and a super kid. She is stubborn and can be a snot but she has the biggest heart in the world and I love her to death. She is my bright and beautiful baby girl. And I can't believe she is turning 14 already. It makes my heart ache...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, it's late and I know Cam will probably wake up again when his Tylenol wears off so I better get some much needed sleep. I almost fell asleep during Survivor tonight. That would have pissed me off, LOL!

Take care blog world...sweet dreams...

Makeover complete...

2005-03-29T15:24:00.000-05:00

Ugh!

I don't know if it's my dsl, my crappy computer, or Blogger but everything took forever today to change and I was getting pretty ticked off.

Needless to say I still have some more archives to change the fonts over to my standard but other than that and adding one more thing for the One Amazing Momma award I am done. I am tired and my rump hurts from sitting here.

I added a few new things: link to my new Flickr account and made my own banner. Got rid of a few things including the Shout Box because it didn't get used enough to waste the space.

A fun and funky look and so me.

Besides it gives me an excuse for playing around making graphics which I haven't done in so long.

I got lots of Easter pics to upload and details to share but I have got to get off here and find the floor. Cameron has amassed every single toy he owns into a new form of toy carpeting and I look so forward to picking them all up - NOT!

I'll be posting later after the kids are in bed and after Idol and Amazing Race. Don't forget to make suggestions for great mommy blogs!

Changes...

2005-03-29T11:34:00.000-05:00

If everything looks screwed up on the blog today that's because it IS...

I decided to make some changes and now I am in the midst of my own personal hell, LOL!
So hang in there and check back by. I have a bunch of updates and stuff to jabber about.

Nominate someone...

2005-03-26T13:31:00.000-05:00

If there is an "Amazing Momma" you would like to nominate for my award or you would like to nominate yourself (Ain't no shame in your game, girly!) please send me an email or post a comment with a link to the website. I'll be thrilled to check it out.

Momma's everywhere deserve recognition for their daily lives - Honor them!

Cool spots to surf at...

2005-03-26T03:27:00.000-05:00

Surfing around the information super highway tonight I found some interesting sites. It always suprises me what and who is out there in cyberland. Tonight was no exception. On with tonight's reads:

Rosie O'Donnell's Blog
To the point musings from a celebrity. Brash and raw. I like it.

Faces of the Fallen
This is one of the most amazing and heartwrenching sites I have ever seen. Poignant and unforgettable.
FACES OF THE FALLEN is a compelling exhibit of more than 1,000 individual portraits honoring America's service men and women who lost their lives in Afghanistan and Iraq.
Click on the portraits link on the left to view the presentation.

The Death Clock
I have a horrible fear of dieing but my sick and morbid curiousity made me type in my info anyway... I am so PISSED it says I am going to die on Valentines Day! Who the hell dies on Valentines Day! Stupid thing...ruin my next 57 years why dontcha!

Have fun!
And Happy Day Before Easter...

My award goes to...

2005-03-25T12:33:00.000-05:00

Have you ever met another mom and thought "WOW!" she has got it going on?
LOL! Ok, so that sounds like the Fountains of Wayne song Stacy's Mom...
But have you ever?
I don't mean she is some hottie from a video (even though I wouldn't mind being a hottie from a video) but that you look at her life and think that is one got it together woman who even though she may have a bad day, and we all do, manages to raise her kids and do her thing and NOT go insane...

Since I have been blogging I have met some pretty damn amazing women. Women who are married moms and single moms, stay at home moms and working moms, moms to many and moms to only one. But the one thing I have found is that so many of these women have an amazing sense of strength, confidence, and inner beauty. They are strong and smart and women I am both impressed by and in awe of. As the wonderful poet Maya Angelou wrote in the fantastic poem Phenomenal Woman:

PHENOMENAL WOMAN
by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.

I say It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me
A hive of honey bees.
I say
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing of my waist
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say It's in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breasts
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say It's in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

So I decided I would honor these women whom I read in their blogs with an award for the effect they have had upon me.

I created this "One Amazing Momma" award in their honor.

They inspire me to be a better mom, wife, friend, worker and person. That makes them some amazing mommas in my book.

The inagural "One Amazing Momma" award goes to...

Katie of Ramblings of a SAHM

Katie is a stay at home mom of 5! That's right! FIVE! Two of which are twins! Katie scrapbooks, makes clothing, is an aspiring writer, cook, caregiver, wife and friend. Not to mention she is funny, smart, energetic (how, I don't know!) and she ALWAYS makes me smile when I read her blog.

So Katie... Heres to you - you ARE...

Snot update and my life in retrospect ala boring...

2005-03-25T10:31:00.000-05:00

*WARNING*

The owner of this blog (me) feels the need to warn you of upcoming digusting musings about being sick. Please be aware this may take a few minutes. The owner hopes to return to normal within a paragraph or two...

Thank you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok so here is my update on the icks...

I went to the docter on Tuesday.
I officially have bronchitis an an ear infucktion!
I am taking some kick the icks in the ass antibiotic called Biaxin.
I feel a bit better but the cough from hell lingers.
Dennis is sicker than a dog now too... :(

Pity party for one...err two at my house. I still have this lingering "cough your lung out and spit it somewhere" cough and the polka dance wheeze. But I know the bronchitis is breaking up hence the coughing but come on already... My ribs even hurt from coughing so hard.

Dennis is sick now too or sicker. And after working 5 days in a row on 12 hour shifts he is not very pleasant. Nor would I be if I were him. So I try to give him a wide berth and keep my normally opinionated and self-righteous attitude at a minimum.

Cameron's feeling much better now since his last adventure with the immunization devil. His right leg is still pretty bruised but not nearly as bad as it has been. For a few days I was really worried. It was a ruby red color and the immunization serums seemd to stay pocketed in his thigh muscle instead of dispersing. He wasn't cranky but ran a low grade fever and you could NOT touch his leg without him whincing and doing a sad little whimper. Horrible... But alas the little terror from teft road is back to his old self.

Ash is now on Spring Break. Which normally I would be jumping for joy at the thought of sleeping in past 6 a.m. but I quickly came to a dismal realization that Cameron still wants to get up at 7 a.m. even if his sister isn't making tons of noise getting dressed and fixing her hair for school.

I can't believe Easter is in two days. Where does time go? I swear Christmas was just last week and now we have officially crossed into Spring. Maybe it just doesn't seem like Spring since we still have snow on the ground! What the hell!!!

For the record I love living in Michigan! I love having 4 very distinct seasons and the weather that comes with them. I love the cool tempperatures and the rains of Spring. I love the hot, long, lazy days of Summer (Minus the mosquitos and probably because we have central air and a big pool, LOL) I LOVE the falling leaves that dance through the sky, smell of ripened apples on the cool wind, and the beautiful Autumn colors cross the state in the Fall. I love the brisk cold temperatures that turn your cheeks crimson, the memerizing sight of a skyline filled with puffy white snow falling to the ground, and on a cloudless night there is nothing more beautiful than the twinkle of a million snowflakes on the ground in the moonlight. It looks like a diamond field.

But even now I am tired of the decaying brown slush that used to be snow. I YEARN for green grass and to see my purple iris blooming. I am tired of looking out my patio doors and seeing a black pool tarp. I want to sit on my green wrought iron patio furniture instead of look at it longingly from the kitchen window. I want to get my hands in the dirt and plant a garden of veggies to fill our table during the Fall.

Dear Snow,

I want to thank you for the beautiful scene you painted for me during winter. I enjoyed the magic and beauty of the millions of snowfalkes you shared with me. But I want you to go away now. I will await your return in the late fall but it is time for you to go. Please take mercy on us and do not even stop back by for an afternoon. It's too much to handle...

Long time, no blog...

2005-03-22T01:55:00.000-05:00

Well it seems like it has been weeks since I posted anything but it has only been a few short days. Time usually escapes me when Dennis is home.

I have been sentenced again to deal with some disgusting "flu" like bug that has now made my head feel like it is literally capable of exploding at any moment while my lungs seems to wheeze a polka dance tune. I hate being sick. It really plays tricks with my head and my normal everyday life. I have come to believe that it is virtually impossible to lead any type of normal day to day activity when your body is being overrun by sick bugs! And it is IMPOSSIBLE to be on top of your game as a wife and mother. Needless to say my kiddos and hubby, bless their souls, have given me wide berth to get myself through this bout. I personally want to thank my dear niece Jessica for passing the bug from hell to me... I love you too my sweet, sweet niece.

I am seriously considering hooking up my vacuum hose to my schnozzzz and sucking the gunk from my skull just to get some relief!

If anyone has any - ANY - ideas how to ease my misery short of suicide via Hoover please let me know...

Anyhooters the weekend was nice. I LOVE having Dennis home on the weekends when we can spend time with my family. MY sister had a party for my brother in law to celebrate the completion of their pole barn makeover. And let me just say this, if I ever become homeless I am moving in there. They completely drywalled the entire thing and painted it. Added recessed lighting and a stereo and karaoke system...LOL IT has a really nice woodburning stove which keeps it so toasty and warm and ceilings fans! Not to mention the pictures my b.i.l got from the bar of everything from Samuel Adams to Bud and Miller...You name it. The only thing left on their to do list is to build an actual bar with a built in tap system for kegs! Now, if you have read my little profile things at the top left you will see I mention my "wild" family. We are fun loving, hard-working people who let loose on the weekends. The pole barn has seen many a euchre tournament, karaoke, dancing, and parties through the years. We usually celebrate our family Christmas there. After all where else can you get for free that will house safely 35+ family members and tons of food with plenty of room for dancing, drinking and eating. I will post some pictures of the "barn" sometime soon and some new ones since the inside was redone. And if anyone is ever in the area feel free to stop on in- just bring a dish to pass and your own drinks. Don't forget your CD's because we like to sing even if we do sound like the people who never made it on American Idol- LOL! Horseshoes are played during the summer months, even at night thanks to the hanging fluorescent lighting system in the trees...LOL Gosh, this sounds so gaudy but truly it isn't. My brother in law doesn't do anything half-assed. Trust me...

I think we live by the work hard - play hard motto. After all you can't take it with you when you're gone so enjoy it while you have it.

I am wandering here... The party was nice but I knew my time there would be limited. Having a baby changes everything- that ain't no lie. No more late night parties without a sitter. So at 8:30 I packed Cam up and he and I came home. Dennis and Ash stayed at the party and my sister said she would get them home safe since Dennis was pretty tanked when I left. I tried not to be sad leaving the party but inside I was. Sometimes I miss the freedom of having just a responsible teenager to care for but I would NEVER trade Cameron for anything....But still I get sad sometimes. And I know Dennis works hard, SUPER HARD 12 hours a day and I couldn't ask him to come home because he deserved to stay and have a good time. So, I came home got Cam ready for bed, read him some stories and soon he was snoozing for the night so I buried my sadness in QBz ; one of my many computer game addictions.

Sunday was spent doing laundry and Ash and Dennis watched Napoleon Dynamite (I watched 5 minutes then headed to my room because I thought it was HORRIBLE!) and I went to my art desk to work on some new altered journals and watch Space Cowboys, which is so good! See previous post for a picture of where I create my art.

I love that space. Dennis built it for me. It fantastic and keeps me sane most days. I go there to escape the kids, family, life and just create something... It's a good thing as Martha would say.

Today Cam got his immunization shots - all 5! Poor guy! 5 shots in the poor munchkins thighs. He cried so hard but was perfectly fine once he got the hell out of the doctors office. But he was running a slight fever when I put him to bed so I gave him some Tylenol and hope he gets some much needed rest from that torturous ordeal.

Dennis I picked up the kids Easter presents and groceries. Gas is at $2.25 a gallon here! Pitiful! Groceries another $174.58... *sighs Big Apple Bagels $12.00 LOL! Not a necessity but a want that needed to be filled... Card and Easter gifts another $104.00. Subway and Wendys chili for dinner $25.00 - Thank you Dennis for not making me cook!

SO home we came exhausted and no worse for the wear.

Spring Break starts Thursday for Ash so I can sleep in an extra hour per day - YAY! And Easter on Sunday. So much to be thankful for and blessed..

Another 4 days in the life of Tammy put in the books...

2005-03-22T01:45:00.000-05:00

Where My Art is...

I'm fat - a confessional...

2005-03-19T01:15:00.000-05:00

I have a confession to make....

I am fat.

Wow- that almost hurt to type.

I have been on the net for years upon years and back in the day when the net was young everytime you met someone the same questions were posed, A/S/L (age/sex/location) and do you have a pic?

At first I dreaded those questions. Especially the do you have a pic inquiry. Then I quickly realized that it is so easy to hide behind an anonymous computer screen and pretend you are something so far away from what you are in reality.

I am not going to lie. I played that game too. I was young err.... Or younger then and I thought it would be fun and I could step away from my reality and enter a "better" place.

But as time went on I realized that the "better" place I was creating actually made me feel like shit. If I couldn't like myself exactly how I was how would anyone else be able too?

So then I reverted to just saying sorry no pic. LOL! Um, ok. This didn't help much either but at least I didn't have to face the humiliation of having some stranger judge me solely based on my outwardly appearance.

Now at 34, almost 35 I am in a different place.

However I am reminded daily on how judgmental society can be. This is NOT a "Oh feel sorry for the fat girl..." post. I am not asking for anyone's pity. Fuck that! I don't need anyone's pity. I have been married half of my life to a GORGEOUS and thin man. I have two beautiful children and a fantastic family. I own my own home and car and live a very happy life. I don't need your pity or any diet advice either, but thanks anyway...LOL

And this is definitely not a diet blog or a blog about weight issues. I don't define myself by my weight. I am much much more than a number on a scale.

I am vivacious and funny. I am the best listener and confidant a friend could ask for. I am a good mother and wife. I am smart and witty. I am beautiful... In my own way.

This is for me.. This is openly admitting I am who I am. Mind, spirit and body.

There are many types of prejudice in the world. I CHOOSE not to be a party to any of them. Fat people suffer some pretty ugly defamation too. My daughter used to tell me about a boy in her class who was severely overweight and the kids would call him porky the pig, fatso, hog among other repulsive "fat" terminology. I asked her what she thought about what the kids were saying to the boy. She said it made her sad because he cried every recess and wouldn't eat his lunch because the kids would make mooing sounds. I also asked her if she ever participated in any of the name calling and she said that she hadn't because she would hate to be boy and be sad all the time... Bless her little heart. She had learned one of the hardest lessons in life. Don't judge until you have walked in someone else's shoes.

I am writing this only for myself. I am not trying to change someone's opinions or preferences. I just wanted to verbally announce that this is part of who I am and that if you like me you like ALL of me or NONE of me.

I live in this skin- you don't. I like myself. And I am damn proud of who I am as a woman.

I just wanted the world to know... And people I consider friends to know that this is me.

Please don't send me hate mail, go on a diet email, "fatty" remarks or whatever. This is my life and I live it how I choose too. Please respect that because I offer that same respect without judgment.

Life is too short...

St. Patty & All

2005-03-17T10:56:00.000-05:00

Happy St. Patty's Day!

I don't like eggs so NO green eggs and ham for me.
I prefer dark beer if I am drinking beer and it doesn't turn green.
Kermit colored champagne would be a good thing (ala Martha Stewart)

I have to paint Cam's room today. What kid doesn't like a race track painted on his wall with chalkboard paint. Tomorrow we will be putting up trim to hold his matchbox collection - it's gonna ROCK! Spoiled shit but way adorable!

My 13 year old however asked me this morning,
"Mom, do you know what a turtlehead is?"

I said, "Where in the hell did you hear that?"

She said, "At school... And if it's true all I can say is turtles get a bad rap. People are sickos!"

Ah the brilliance of a teenager.

Hope you all are in the green and lovin it!

Quick rundown

2005-03-17T03:05:00.000-05:00

Just a quick rundown of my night then off to bed because that dreaded 6 a..m. crap never ever ends.

Ash won her last match of the season and she did SO good! The coach even asked if she was going out for track too.

Dinner was great. I ate too much and wanted the waitress to haul me out to the car in a wheelbarrow, LOL!

I got some good pictures at the game, I'll try and upload some sooner or later.

I cried watching Dog the Bounty Hunter! WTF! Someone please recommend a good psychiatrist, I like the dumb show.

It snowed AGAIN! For crying out loud stop already! It's the end of March!

Going to bed... Peace ;)

2005-03-16T15:03:00.000-05:00

Newest Altered Journal

Stopping in...

2005-03-16T14:58:00.000-05:00

So I have a few minutes to stop in before heading out to Ash's last volleyball game of the season. And let me tell you just how unattractive I look right now with my hair all scrunched up in 10 clips trying to tame my white version of Diana Ross curls...

I was telling Sharon that Cameron is cutting all his back teeth right now and he has been running a fever and has a faucet for a nose. Poor kid! :( No matter what any docter tells you- a kid CAN run a fever when cutting teeth. Cameron does everytime.

We are taking Ash out to dinner after her game tonight. It should be real adventure. Since Cameron has about as much patience as gnat to sit in high chairs. If he can't hold it in his hand and eat it on the run then he isn't eating it.

I am going to upload a picture of the new altered journal I made the other day. Hopefully I can figure it out. Picasa has been crashing my system which pisses me off since I really like their program but apparently it doesn't like me.

Well I better go find some make up. I don't want to scare the other parents. The Diana Ross hair is bad enough... :)

2005-03-15T02:59:00.000-05:00

My precious baby boy

2005-03-15T02:55:00.000-05:00

My Sink Superman

Pissy and More...

2005-03-15T01:55:00.000-05:00

SO I haven't posted in a few days because shit has been endless around here...

I was up until 6 a..m. this morning finishing up the small crap for Ash's nervous system report. For the record I now know more about the body systems then I will or have ever needed to know. And if I have to do anything like that with my kid again this year I may go postal upon an unsuspecting science teacher.

And while I am on that note...
Dennis comes home from work last night and I'm sure he was less than thrilled to find no dinner had been cooked. But ummmm, HELLO! Science report due! So he offers to make dinner and I just hugged the hell out of him and told him he was so sweet and the best. So as my fingers are getting stuck together from the glue we had to use for all the labels on this poster board I asked him, "What's for dinner, Hun?
To this he replies, "Pigs in a blanket?"
WHAT?!?!
Friggin` hot dogs wrapped in a biscuit? You have got to be shitting me!
SO I try to keep myself in check here after all HE is making dinner so I go about my business and before long he tells me dinner is done. I head out to the kitchen and on the counter lays a steaming tray of hotdogs wrapped in slices of BREAD!!!
Not only now have we went past pigs in a flippin` blanket we end up with this concoction!

I said what the hell?

He says, "We didn't have any biscuits."

My reply...
This is frickin` pork in a sleeping bag!

Grrr!

I don't even like pigs in a blanket that much to big with but sheesh!!

Needless to say I made myself a salad.

I just have been edgy with him lately...
My sister told me the whore he screwed around with when we separated is back on the same shift as he is and that pisses me off. Just what I need...The scank who with screw anything that makes good money running loose in the same plant, ATA the same time, as my husband. The whore, as I call her, is currently "taken" though. She is shacked up with another guy from the plant who left his wife for her too.

It wouldn't bother me nearly as much if they didn't have to interact but they do. Dennis works at a printing company that makes magazines. He is a pressman that runs a giant press that makes the pages of the mags. The whore works in the paper department and delivers the paper the presses need for publication to them. Grrr!

My sister works in the billing department there. She is also the safety committee president. So when I had found out about Dennis and the whore all those years ago my sister did some digging around. The whores boss is a good friend of my sister and he told her that she had been transferred to our plant from the Tennessee plant because she was screwing around with the married guys there and there had been some ruckus. So she was given the option of quitting or getting transferred. Well aren't we a lucky state to receive such a fine upstanding woman. NOT!

So I asked Dennis about her tonight and he said he does not even deal with her. When they order paper the rolltenders (they check the parts of the press that release the ink) handle it.

Now in all honesty I haven't thought or even let the thought of the whore bother me for 2 years or so but like I said I am pissy and that gets me down.

The truth is Dennis and I have put that so far past us that it isn't even an issue. But when you have been betrayed there is always a small part of you that wonders...

I think I am going to try an upload a picture to my blog of my littlest munchkin... Hopefully I'll be back in a few.

Toodles :)

I'm just a screwed up mix of crap...

2005-03-12T03:16:00.000-05:00

So, I made some changes to my blog. Moved the ShoutBox and finally got the BlogRolling working (which I love!). I added BlogExplosion and spent all my free time today surfing sites and checking out the blog world.

Which led me to a huge realization...

I am screwed up...

Blogging can mimmick real life in ways... People surround themselves with other people who are similar to them in likes, dislikes, bitches, and dreams. They create this world of people around them who satisfy needs in their life or give them a sense of commaraderie and encouragement, share their pain and struggles.

You get a real sense of that when you click through some of other peoples blog links. There are the weight loss blogs, illness blogs, parenting blogs, sex blogs, and so on...

But as I was surfing through I wondered to myself - where in the hell do I fit in in the blog world? Do I even fit in?

I found things in blogs I admired, made me laugh, made me feel empathy, empowered, sickened, pissed off, and just plain sad.

I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I am just saying I guess I don't consider myself solely based in one group or another...

I am a mother and I have a baby and a teenager- DO I fit into the mommy blogs?
I would like to think a part of me does but do the mommies not want to play with another mommy who cusses and gives her kids McDonalds and doesn't define her life solely on motherhood?

Yes being a mother is what I believe my purpose is on earth but everyone parents differently. Maybe I am not the "in" mommy type.

Then I look at blogs like Bitchalicious and I totally admire Rachel who is one hell of a strong woman who is NOT afraid to speak her mind and is proud of it. She swears when she feels the need to and doesn't care what anyone thinks... She is who she is and I TOTALLY respect that! She is a mom, business owner and a military wife. What more needs to be said about that...

I am that person too or part of me is. I can be abrupt and in your face. I am opinionated and can be a total bitch when I need to be.

But does that part of me alienate me from the mommy bloggers?

Does it matter to me?

And then there is Sharon at Adventures of a Domestic Engineer who is extrodinarily intellectual and smart and deals with other issues I can't even begin to comprehend and yet always seems to find a silver lining in everyday life. I admire her courage and tenacity and envy her strength of self.

And even though I am new to this blogger world and haven't revealed more of myself and my not so shining moments I wonder would Sharon consider me lack of intelligence because I laugh enjoy things that are more on the unconventional side of humor...

So I sit here wondering...

And have decided to that it's okay to just be screwed up.. Hell I consider it eccentric. I don't give a shit if people like what I say but I don't want to be labeled because sometimes I am not nice and sometimes I am a huge ass wuss.

What I am or who I am is a mix of all these wonderfully smart and talented and interesting human beings that probably at times wonder the same things I do... Do I lead the most extrodinarily boring and mundane life?

And I hope that they all realize what I have today...

We are not one or the other we are the sum parts of the whole. A collective pot of people putting it out there for the whole world to realize they are not alone...

With that I am going to bed... my daily journey is over. Tomorrow is another day.

Sweet dreams bloggers...

2005-03-10T03:39:00.000-05:00

Do you ever have times in your life when something happens and you think to yourself my life isn't so bad. I shouldn't complain. I had one of those tonight. I was reading another blog and the post had me so angry and upset I am still beside myself. I don't want to go into any detail because it doesn't seem appropriate but my menial complaints seem so trivial now. So much so I am almost ashamed.

What I have realized so much more so over the last few years of life is that for all the times you think you have it so bad... somewhere someone else is going through something so much worse. And for those same times when you think you have it so good, someone has it much better. And that in this game of life those differences balance the scale. On any given day we could be on one side or the other of that same scale. Destiny, fate or what have you - takes us on different journeys every single day. But what makes all of these trials and tribulations worthwhile is if we stop long enough to learn something along the way. We can become wiser and better for the journey no matter how rocky the road...

Tonight I want to send a silent wish for better days and strength to a special family dealing with a troubling time right now. Know that you are thought of and one day you will be better for journey...
(((Hugs)))

My day was okay, not horrible or spectactular, just okay. I managed to get my digital camera software loaded. But before I even attempted that I decided to move the computer desk and clean out the hundreds of CD's I have and get rid of some of the manuals and junk that has cluttered up. After I moved the desk I rearranged the living room furniture and moved Cameron's Little Tykes toy box into his room. I did that in hopes of having to pick up a few 1000 less toys during the day than usual. I picked out a bunch of his favorite trucks and things and put them in a collapsible toy carrier and brought that in here. Dennis picked me up a small matching side table to my computer desk for my new scanner/fax/printer. I am really thrilled about that. I was tired of pulling that thing out just to load paper ad scanning was a pain since you had to get a dining room chair out just to be able to lift the top open.

So I have the software all loaded and now I just have to learn how to use it. What a joy - not!

Dennis picked me a new address book and a rollafile thing to store our internet account id's and passwords. No more of those zillion post-its stuck everywhere. And the nicest thing was he bought me two pots of flowers. One of gorgeous light red tulips and the other of a vibrant purple crocus. I love fresh flowers and plants. I can hardly wait for Spring and for my lilac bushes to bloom and the warm sweet smell of lilac to drift into the house on the warm spring breezes. *sighs*

Of course it is Michigan and considering we got a foot of snow last week, then had 2 days of straight days of 45 degree weather and then snow again today it is hard telling when Spring will arrive.

Charlie seen the vet this afternoon and he has ear infections. I guess they are pretty common in beagles and basset hounds or breeds with long ears because water can get trapped in their ear drums and their ears don't allow enough air to circulate and dry them out. So he is on an antibiotic and he is sleepy a lot. The big woofer is so cute. I will have to post a picture sometime soon.

Ash's volleyball game was away tonight and she had so much homework after she got home at 7p.m. Poor kid, volleyball games Monday and Wednesdays usually until 7 or 8 p.m. and volleyball practice Tuesday, Thursday, and Fridays 6 to 8 p.m.
She is really trying so hard to better her grades. This school has failed her... right from first grade. Another kid slipping through the cracks because of policies and bureaucratic bullshit. Their riddiculous excuse in first grade was -"oh were sorry Ashley has a reading problem but we can only take the four lowest kids in the class for help and she is the fifth"... assholes. ONLY in 5th grade when we threatened to remove her from school did they even TEST her for state requirements and then the only help available was in middle school during 6th grade. Now here we are in 7th grade and she has to deal with their fucked up Top Dawg program. If you make a high enough grade point average and get good teacher comments each semester you get to go with the school somewhere. The movies, bowling, skating, etc. It doesn't matter that she BUSTS her ass and works harder than a lot of kids because effort means NOTHING. SO she gets to sit in class while the other kids go off to have fun. And what really pisses Dennis and I off is the kids who get help from the teachers with their homework IN SCHOOL and never have homework! One of Ash's friends is in Special Ed and makes the honor roll EVERY SEMESTER! I am sorry but if you are making honor roll every semester you don't need special ed! This kid says the special ed teacher basically gives them the answers and he just writes it down... I don't know if I beleieve that or not but if the kids are doing that well they should be in regular classes.

Grrrr, enough of that rant.

I did rearrange Camerons room tonight and went through his toy box and took out his baby toys so I can give them to the underground railroad or another help agency.

We are going out to Sams Club in the morning to stock up on some things and then having my sisters and their families over for dinner so it's going to be a busy and hectic day.

I need to go to bed...I haven't been sleeping well. Lots of dreams everynight...

Wishing everyone sweet dreams....Night

Feeling guilty...

2005-03-07T15:07:00.000-05:00

I have been feeling pretty guilty for awhile now about the awesome digital camera Dennis bought me for Christmas. Actually I feel bad in general over Christmas because Dennis really spoiled me and I wasn't able to do the same for him. But the camera has been weighing heavy on my mind as of late. I know it was expensive and I have taken lots of pictures and I love it. But here it is 3 months after Christmas and I haven't even attempted to load the software on the computer so I can send any pictures to family and friends. And I'm not even sure why... I adore photography and art and pictures of human life. I scrapbook for crying out loud! Pictures are a mainstay for my art and yet... The camera sits on top of my monitor staring at me with it's lens eye like a beacon of guilt. Is there something holding me back from my much wanted techno gift? Am I lazy? What is the deal...
So I am making a written promise to install the software in the next 48 hours. Even if I have to leave post-it notes all over this house. I have to release some of this guilt eating away inside me.

I have been calling our vet since noon and the phone has been incessantly busy and it is striking a bitch cord in me. Who the heck is the vet talking to for 3 hours?!?! Come on... My dog is sick and my nerves are tense. Grr!

On a brighter note I finished a new altered journal. It's dark and very collage in technique. It's one of my favorites and will be great for leaving a life of memories in written word. Finishing a project always leaves my soul lifted and my spirits high.

On that pleasant note I need to go scrounge up some magically wonderful dinner for my masses. Sometimes I wish I could Jetson some awesome meal from a machine and pop out mystery dinner pills... That would be great... Jane Jetson never understood how good she had it.

Until later... Toodles! :)

Mindless jibber

2005-03-07T01:57:00.000-05:00

Sunday already... Why are weekends so short?!?!

I am finally feeling better but still not fantastic. I have managed to resume the care of my own children again and my hubby is extremely happy he doesn't have to wash his own undies anymore.

I spent my entire afternoon working with Ash on her nervous system project and I really don't even want to go into all the bitching I want to do about that other than to say the science teacher and I will be having a not so pretty discussion tomorrow about how my dear daughter will not be participating in anymore group projects... She can fly solo.

On a downer note my bagel is sick! For future reference my bagel is actually a beagle and basset hound mix that breeders appropriaately term bagels... Gotta LOVE that! Anyhoot, his one eye is sort of weepy and his ear is bothering him. I am worried. I love MY dawg! Charlie took care of me and Ash when Dennis and I split (Part of the story I will be continuing soon...) and listened to me cry every night in my then empty bed. He made me feel safe and he never judged, bitched, or questioned me about a split I had no desire to talk about... Seems silly I imagine to some to love a dog. All I can say to that is - faithful, loving and always accepting..no questions asked.

So I have to call the vet tomorrow and I am praying it's just something simple...

Cameron is about to drive me over the edge with Elmo insanity. Today I endured 4 Elmo DVD's and he still wanted more. PLUS he doesn't even really watch them. He listens to the songs and drives his cars and trucks around the house while trying extremely hard to get a chance to get into something he isn't supposed to while he *thinks* mommy isn't paying attention.

My mood has been foul in general though. After the flu thing then I started suffering from a bad case of coveting thy neighbor. Or in this case- coveting thy family. Now I am never one to get green with envy or be sad because someone has something better than me or different than me or received something I wanted. Maybe my defenses are down. But the truth is it feels like there are some people in the world who could fall in a pile of shit and still come out smelling like a rose. My niece bought a 30 foot camper on friday and at a steal- 1200.00. Plus my sister bought my neice's old motorhome. I guess I just got the jealous, it isn't fair, why not us blues. Dennis and I have wanted a camper for God knows how long so we could take the kids camping during the summer... But we never have the extra cash or at the right time. And sometimes it makes me feel incredibly sad for him because he busts his ass working for us to have a lovely home and the kids to have clothes, food, and toys. I know he was bummed too but he is much better than me at keeping his emotions at check. This time it got the best of me. Poor Tammy blues... The funny thing is now that I actually said all that it doesn't seem that important anymore. At least we don't have debt and bills pouring out of our ears. We got life and love and fabulous kids... and each other...

I'll take that over a camper anyday.

On that note I am off to bed to snuggle the hubby and get my usualy 4 hours of sleep.

***OH! And I wanted to thank Sharon for leaving me a post on my shout box about my blog! Thanks girl! I totally appreciate it. It made my night...:) ****

Sweet dreams all...

Noshing Nyquil and Antibiotics...

2005-03-02T15:16:00.000-05:00

If you haven't been unlucky enough to get blessed with the flu thank your lucky stars.

I was having my usual mindless life until Monday afternoon when BAM! I swear a huge pile of sick shit fell out of the sky and infused my entire body.

BY around 4 p.m. I was a useless pile of flesh burning fever bullets in my sheets while my family stepped up to the plate to take care of my kids. Now I can nomrally bitch about my husband and not doing what I think is his fair share around the house but even I feel sorry for the guy over the last few days. Not only is he bringing home the bacon by working 12 hours a day but then he takes care of the rugrats when he gets home before hitting the sack to a moaning, sweaty crybaby wife and TRUST ME there was nothing in the least bit sexy about my moaning or sweatiness this time.

So here it is Wednesday and 2 days have passed pretty much in a Nyquil induced stupor and although I feel a bit better, my head isn't threatening to implode immediately upon sitting upright, I still feel like a hot pile of shit on hungover Sunday Morning...

So as I get ready to head back off into my own dillusional flu hell I am sending a silent prayer to the feel good God to PLEASE take pity on me and my family and cut me some friggin` slack already. I promise to be a good wife and Mommy and make dinner at least 5 days out of 7 and only bitch 50% of the time...

Ugh, Nyquil take me away....

2005-02-28T01:54:00.000-05:00

Sore throat...
Can't sleep...
Stressed about Ash's science project rough draft due Tuesday -FUCK!
Have to be up at 6 a.m.
Shitty day...
Shittier day yesterday...

I need a vacation.

Looking for KICK ASS Personal Blogs

2005-02-26T13:48:00.000-05:00

Ok, I have read and surfed through like a zillion blogs and I really want to hook up with some ultra cool personal blogs. I am sick to death of the non-personal article based, bullshit I have been seeing.

I stumbled on this awesome blog today call Love Me or Blow Me Away, Either Way. The recent post cracked me up... Shitty humor, irony all wrapped up into one.

If anyone has some recommendations I would love to check them out! Post a comment for me- PLEASE! And save me from myself....

Brilliantly appropriate...

2005-02-26T11:04:00.000-05:00

Lazy Saturday and I haven't even managed to get dressed yet...

Spent the morning cleaning out my email- yukko! Then took the time to check out all the emailed links I was saving.

Hooked up with a cool journaling project at ScrappingArts.com and am excited about giving it a go. Pretty simple thing all you need is:

Journal or Notebook
Pen

Come back here daily and I will post the journaling reminder question of the day.

Should be fun...

Anyhooters- I've got ssome more email to wade through and then it's off to the shower and cleaning. It's a cold but crysstal clear day here in Michigan so I am making a big crock pot of yummy cheeseburger soup and crusty french bread for dinner.

I'll be back later to post the big question and pick up on my story from last night.

Toodles...
;)

Is there really perfect marriages?

2005-02-26T04:51:00.000-05:00

I wonder sometimes if there really are perfect marriages or just marriages based on an equal amount of good and bad...

Dennis and I have been married for almost 14 years. We met when were 16 and dated on and off until 1990 when we got "serious" and married in 1991. I try and remember back through the years when we were more happy and when things were downright ugly because they have been.

Those first years seems so far away in my memory now I struggle to remember details and events that shaped and defined who we are today...

I think we had that whole "newness" groove for a couple years where playing house is fun and having "legal" sex anytime you want is way groovy. And it was... *wicked grins*

But at 21 we weren't really who we are...we were still searching...still looking for the meaning and purpose of our lives.

Not long after marriage we were having our first baby. I remember being excited and scared shitless. But the funny thing is I don't remember much about how Dennis felt. Maybe I was taking a ride on the river denial.

We didn't have diddly squat back then. A cool little apartment in a remodeled 100 year old home on the seedier side of Grand Rapids. All these beautiful old homes restored and turned into apartments and there were trees lining the streets which you definitely didn't see much of in downtown G.R. Of course one side of the street you felt like you could take a nice Sunday stroll but on the other people were getting busted for selling dope... That first apartment was cool. The living room had one entire wall of built in bookshelves and I have always wanted to have a house like that. The kitchen was tiny and had the oldest friddge I think I have ever seen. The one bedroom was huge though and had window seats under those old towering 5 foot windows. You could look out and see the downtown district and 131 bustling with traffic. We decorated in part Salvation Army and part hand-me-down style....LOL! Money was tight and we had deadend jobs. Hell we had just turned 20.

He worked at a restaurant called Cackles....LOL Kind of like rotisserie chicken place and I worked for K-Mart. Hated it!

Life was so much simplier then though.

But the first test of our relationship came not long after. Dennis started hanging out after work longer with his friends and coming home later and later. Then one weekend we drove up to see our parents and on Sunday I wasn't feeling so hot so he said I should just stay with my Mom and Dad for the week and rest. It seemed odd but I really didn't think much of it then. On Monday night he called and said very simply... " I'm not coming back to get you Tam. It's over... we are over..." and he hung up.

I remember holding the phone against my ear praying to God that he would magically pop back on and say just joking or something....anything...

But he didn't...

Ok, I'll write more tomorrow but for tonight I have to go to bed. Cammer will be up around 7 a.m. and it's almost 5 a.m. now...

Sweet dreams world...

Boring myself to oblivion...

2005-02-24T23:55:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I really disappoint myself...

It's midnight and all I have done for 2 hours is surf the net. Now I realize there is nothing necessarily wrong with surfing the net but don't you sometimes feel like there is something better you could or SHOULD be doing?

I could be sleeping and God knows I don't get enough not to mention I have to get Ash up for school at 6:00 a.m.

I could be reading a book and enlightening myself...

I could be scrapbooking so my kids will know how much I loved them when I'm not here to tell them anymore...

I could be cleaning up the house...NOT! Screw that, I do that all damn day.

*Sighs*

There is so much I want to do in my life... So many things I want to try...
Write a childrens book
Make a quilt with pictures of my family (Stole that from the Stepmom movie)
Write a real snail mail letter to someone...anyone.
Paint a wooden flag to put in our yard to remind us everyday that DJ aand thousands of other Americans are in Iraq..
and the list goes on...

and yet-
I sit here.

Is it laziness, fear, exhaustion?

All I know is that I am tired and I hate going to bed feeling like I didn't accomplish anything with my life today...

I'm going to kiss my babies and sleep...
Tomorrow is another day...full of possibilities.

Sweet dreams world....

Just a quickie...

2005-02-24T20:04:00.000-05:00

Dennis just went to pick up Ash from volleyball and I am waiting for Survivor to start. Dinner is simmering and Cammer is in bed for the night... I'm starving and I hope Dennis gets here soon with the garlic bread. He is picking up some from Tony's and they make fab garlic bread.

Survivor Spolier Alert! Don't read if you haven't watched it in your time zone!
Ewww, huge bouncing rats on Survivor- nasty!

Challenge time. Wow, let me just say there is no way in hell - even for a million bucks - that I would go through the shit they do on Survivor. And Jennifer sucked so bad and lost that whole thing for Koror.

Dennis is home... dinnertime.

Toodles :)

Lovin` the look...

2005-02-24T18:33:00.000-05:00

So I finished vamping up my blog and I am so lovin` it! It's a lot more my style than the other ones I tried so now I can post...

But I'll have to do it later because Cam is ready for pj's and a bottle and I have to make dinner for the hubby.

So leave me some comments on the new design on my Shout Box and if you got a kick ass blog let me know and I'll check it out and mention you in my blog and post a link to it :)

Toodles till lata...

Work in progress

2005-02-23T17:35:00.000-05:00

Shit...
If I were not such a perfectionist I could just be happy with the look of my own blog!!
But alas I can not stray from my true self...

What it IS and What it is NOT...

2005-02-19T15:43:00.000-05:00

Ok...

So I have decided to do this blog thing for a couple of reasons...
1. Everyone is doing it so why the hell not!
2. It's so Doogie Howser that I can't pass it up...
3. I figured what can it hurt, maybe I will let out some of the pent up bitchin' I have and be a happier if not less pissy person- LOL!

But...
and there is always a BUT!

I am just one person sitting in Michigan with my own thoughts ideas, bitches, loves, dreams and etc. so it is what it is. A ranting about my life, me, my inner-self, blah, blah and more blah.

What it is NOT is-

A medium to hurt other people purposefully, piss people off, make perfectly gramatical and spelled correctly entries (Ain't EVER gonna happen!) or a stepping off block for someone to go postal or anything.

It's just me, good and bad...

But in the immortal words of Mae West:
When I'm good, I'm good.
But when I am BAD, I am BETTER!!!

So check it out, post a reply, open your mind and help me open my mind if you care too. Life is not a destination, it's a journey. And I prefer to go through mine enlightened.

Toodles!
Tam

Pissing my day away...Dammit!

2005-02-19T14:55:00.000-05:00

100,000 things I SHOULD be doing but instead I sat here and played with my blog! What a jackass I am.

But it was fun... And I got wrapped up in my own world, not unusual but selfish!

So, now I've got to do the dishes because Gods knows NO ONE else is going to do them around here. Finish some laundry and take a shower, not to mention find something, anything, to make the hubby for dinner and the kiddos. Oh and I really would like to go to my sisters for a couple hours.

Ugh! I suck... Why didn't I get my shit together earlier!

I'm outta here...
Toodles-
Tam